I look after my elderly parents and my father is a bully

Problem

I am honest, reliable, hardworking and trustworthy and would love to be given the chance to get a decent job, even part time.

I am unemployed and have no prospects as I have too much experience and feel that employers do not want to employ me. I would love the chance to contribute to a team but I have done loads of interviews and no luck.  I live at home with my two elderly parents. Both are on in years and not in great health. My father has been a bully all his life towards his wife and us (two children). It was always a case of his way or no way.

Money has been his “God” and he lives from week to week to get his pension. He has never showered or bathed in his life as he hates water. He is dressed in very shabby clothes and does not possess a good pair of shoes on his feet, only broken ones that leave in the rain. The house is in a terrible condition.

Mould and paint are falling off the walls, some of the stairs are broken and rain comes in the doors as the seals are broken. It is not my house to do anything with it and he would not allow money be spent on it.

My sister has the same traits as him and she does not speak to any of us. We do not exchange gifts at Christmas and she does not come near the house in case she would be asked to do anything. I am left with the whole lot of taking them to medical appointments and Mass and anything else that they need to go to.

I am angry that I have no back-up or support. I am also angry that because I am here because of being unemployed that it works out very easy for them when I am around with nothing else to do.

I am attending counselling since January but I often wonder how anyone can really know the pain I am feeling.

Advice

You have two big issues: caring for elderly parents and unemployment. These are linked as your sense of self is being corroded by your caring position and it is then difficult to come across as confident in a job interview.

Even in the best of situations, full-time caring is hard, relentless work and is both under-acknowledged and underpaid. The effects on the carer are often emotional and mental stress, physical strain and financial difficulties.

Often the reward for this work is being able to care for someone you love and seeing the benefits of the long hours of devotion. However, this is denied to you as it seems you resent having to care for your parents and your father, at least, is oblivious to your contributions.

It seems that there is a family story of stinginess and selfishness but you report extreme examples of this both in your father and your sister and I wonder if there is an underlying mental health condition? You cannot ascertain this of course, but it might allow an alternative perspective on your family – one in which you are not subject to derision and deprivation but where you are dealing with illness and need.

In the first instance, you seem to have picked up your father’s idea that there is no point to things, eg washing or fixing a house. If you want to be different to him, you might begin by tackling those jobs in the house that do not cost much money but need time and effort.

That your father might benefit from this should not stop you from doing the work as most of the benefit goes towards you and your own sense of living in a fit-for-purpose environment. Physical work has the added bonus of contributing to our emotional and mental health.

As you become busier and less depressed by your circumstances, you might find that you present better at interviews or at least you might be more open to looking at what life has to offer you.

As someone who does not have the support of family, you will need to seek both governmental support and social support for yourself.

In a recent article "The Caregiver's dilemma" in Scientific American Mind (December 2016) it was reported that 40 per cent to 70 per cent of carers have clinically significant symptoms of depression.

That you are seeing a counsellor is beginning to address this but in addition the report says that assistance is what 84 per cent of carers said they needed. You might start with your local public health nurse to find what is available to you in terms of resources, grants, respite and social support.

For your own self-care, you need to be involved in something that occupies your mind and emotions and now might be the time to put your past business knowledge into use by volunteering for boards, charities or clubs and you might find there is the added bonus of networking towards employment.