Survey this

I like nothing better than a good motoring survey to get my teeth into. And, lucky for me, they're like buses and bad news. You wait ages for one, and suddenly three come at once.

I do, however, tend to take them with the proverbial pinch of salt. Those that find all young male drivers are mentalists who drive like trigger-happy Panzer commanders on PCP have invariably been commissioned by insurance companies, while those purporting to prove a particular car will make you fitter, happier and more productive are usually funded by the company producing the vehicle in question.

The first before me falls into the category of insurer propaganda, revealing as it does that over a third of all drivers admit to speeding and one in 10 admit breaking red lights. Fancy that. Only a third confessing law-breaking to a complete stranger being paid by an insurance company? You'd have thought it would have been much higher, wouldn't you?

More interesting is the fact that 16 per cent of men admit to tailgating. I reckon I've met them all. Nothing boils my blood more than to have some cretin six inches from my back bumper. What does he think this is going to make me do? Speed up? Pull over to let them pass? Invite him to dinner?

I'm a stubborn git, and proud of it. I don't capitulate. Tailgating me on a narrow country road where overtaking is impossible will only make me slow down out of spite. Not only that, but when I'm Emperor of the Universe, I will be installing anti-tank missiles in the rear of my car to despatch these vile troglodytes at my leisure. You've been warned, Subaru man.

The second study is by the lovely people at Rigney Dolphin. Predictably, the Government gets a right kicking. Over 90 per cent of people think Irish roads are rubbish, 82 per cent regard Irish road signs as dire, and 60 per cent say they wouldn't bother with public transport, even if they could rely on it.

Oddly, seven in 10 think the Government's road safety record is pants, but 58 per cent think the penalty points system has been a success. By their reckoning, the system is working, but not at improving road safety. So what do they think it is good for? Certainly not promoting the career of the man responsible.

Finally, there is the British Medical Research Council's offering. Ironically, it was intended to convince motorists that they'd be better off using public transport. Instead, it ended up showing driving makes you happy.

The study finds men benefit mostly from the self-esteem their car gives them. Which is a bit sad, when you think about it. Personally, I'm no great sufferer of status anxiety. Probably a good thing, considering I drive a 14-year-old jalopy, albeit an exceptionally stylish one.

Loath as I am to admit it, I agree with the happiness bit. Leaving aside the obvious downsides like traffic jams, crashing and the financial drain, driving, for the most part, is fun. I like few things more than cruising on the open road, crooning along to Tom Waits and knowing there is world-class surf at my journey's end.

I like driving because it makes me feel free, the way the first bicycle I got as a scrawny kid opened my eyes to the world beyond the end of my street. And my short driving career has made me realise one very important thing - this truly is a great little country.

Which makes it all the more of a shame that it's full of eejits who believe surveys.