Emissions/Kilian Doyle: By the time you read this, dozens of workers will have been up dozens of poles erecting the dozens of road signs that make up Dublin's new traffic management system.
One of three things will have happened:
A) Traffic around the city will have remained at a practical standstill. B) Traffic will be speeding around Dublin's two new orbital routes so quickly drivers will be getting dizzy or C) thousands of Dublin- registered cars will be careening around the backroads of Co Carlow frantically looking for Junction 58.
Predictably, I'm plumping for A. Call me a pessimist, but I just can't see the new plan helping at all. How directing even more traffic to use the already-clogged North Circular Road (NCR) and Grand Canal routes is supposed to help matters is beyond me. Anyone who has ever tried to negotiate said roads knows it'll take more than 200 fancy schmancy signposts to disguise the fact that they're a complete nightmare.
Who genuinely thinks motorists are going to opt for encircling the city centre along these already clogged roads rather than blundering straight through it? Surely not the same people who are responsible for traffic management? We're doomed.
Anyone remember the last Car Free Day, the one where there were more cars on the road, according to AA Roadwatch, than any other day this year? This is Ireland, populated by a people who will seize any perceived chance of pulling a fast one quicker than a drowning man will grab an aqualung. The slightest inkling of less congestion in the city centre because everyone's on the orbital and the sleveens will be in to fill the gap. In their thousands.
As for the inner route itself, the only main difference I can ascertain is that it'll create an even bigger illegal carpark outside Pearse Street Garda Station. Which, as everyone knows, is just what we need.
But none of these facts managed to deter the Minister for Driving Around in Circles, who staged a photocall last Friday to launch the project. Frankly, it didn't bode too well.
The Department's press release elicited great amusement among the more cynical of us hacks, gleefully directing us as it did to the junction of Lower Mount Street and Haddington Road. Which, as we all know, doesn't exist. Unless a canal, a bridge and a hundred yards of Northumberland Road make a junction. Here's hoping those who designed the signs don't have such a frivolous sense of geography or we could all end up driving around Carlow after all.
"Must be a really slow day, eh lads?" said the Minister as he arrived, appearing surprised to see a huge horde of press types. 'Twas nice to see he was taking this all so seriously. It's only the sanity of a million Dubliners we're talking about after all.
Despite persistent exhortations from the phalanx of snappers present, Mr Brennan steadfastedly refused to scale the council workers' ladder for the photos. Perhaps he was conscious of the fate of the last politician to clamber up a lamppost for publicity - a certain Michael McDowell, who is rapidly becoming the least popular Cabinet member since the Ministry for Eating Small Children and Their Pets was abolished all those years ago.
No, Mr Brennan was determined to perch on the lowest step necessary to convey a semblance of vertical equality with the statuesque Lord Mayor, Royston Brady, as they clutched one of the signs.
"Aw lads, it's heavy, " he complained, as they demanded ever more artistic poses. One gets the feeling that they could begin to bear down a lot heavier on him when motorists realise they're still going nowhere.
Pressure notwithstanding, the Minister told us he was very confident of their success. "I'm very confident of their success," he said.
That's us told, so. As I said before, we're doomed.