What is going on with men who emotionally abuse women? I wondered this for the thousandth time when reading the latest Women’s Aid report on domestic abuse.
A typical cycle of abuse is a rise in tension, followed by an explosion, followed by what’s called the “hearts and flowers” stage. The latter is the stage in which the victim is won over by various expressions of affection.
What I find most disturbing of all is those situations in which the abuse is not so much an explosion as a deliberate and calculated act. Usually this is part of a programme of control and manipulation.
The Women’s Aid report talks about abusers who refuse to call the woman by her name, for instance. That strikes me as fairly deliberate and destructive behaviour. The same applies to isolating the woman from friends, family or even society in general, over time. Forcing her into humiliating sexual acts is another example.
Some of these men may have personality disorders related to a fear of abandonment, or to a grandiose concept of the self in which other people do not matter except in supporting roles. The latter is called a narcissistic personality disorder. A personality disorder is a condition that is deeply ingrained and hard – some would say impossible – to shift.
Women or men subjected to this sort of behaviour by a partner should realise that helping the partner to overcome his or her problems is not their responsibility. Not only is it not their responsibility but it is almost certainly beyond their abilities. It may even be beyond the abilities of professionals, where a personality disorder is at the root of the behaviour.
The only way forward may be out. But getting out is not an easy thing. Where and how are they to live? Will they be safe? Sometimes the answer is no, even if the abuser is ordered to leave the family home.
A person hoping to get out of an abusive situation like this needs needs to contact a body such as Women’s Aid for information and advice.
Of course the golden rule would be never to get into such a relationship. That’s easier said than done. Some abusers are very charming until you’re in the trap.
One sign, especially, that I would suggest people look out for is isolating behaviour. If you’re in a relationship with somebody who tries to separate you from your friends, and who bombards you with texts when you’re with them, watch out. That example comes up again and again in stories of controlling and manipulative behaviour. If you find yourself cutting out your friends because of your new partner’s complaints, you need to consider ditching the partner.
Another warning sign: If he says you look like a slut when you dress to go out (sometimes combined with telling you that you look ugly if you don’t dress up) that is a very, very big red flag.
You can see a list of warning signs on the Women's Aid campaign website, 2in2u at 2in2u.ie.
Men who abuse women offend all of us and they need to know that we despise what they do.
Abused men
What about men who are abused by women, a group I have also written about here?
The Women’s Aid report says about 3 per cent of its callers are men. However, I would suggest that men in this distressing situation are more likely to to call Amen (amen.ie) which is there to help them specifically.
In the context of all this I was saddened to read in The Irish Times a couple of weeks ago that the absurdly named Tusla, which is in fact the Child and Family Agency, was to cut Women's Aid's statutory funding by 20 per cent . What a miserable and dreary act. As a man I want to see effective and widespread services for people who are abused and terrorised by their male or female partners. Women's Aid changes lives for the better and it deserves better support.
pomorain@yahoo.com
Padraig O'Morain is a counsellor accredited by the Irish Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy. His latest book is Mindfulness for Worriers. His mindfulness newsletter is free by email.