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‘My marriage has broken down, and I don’t know how to talk to my young son about it’

Ask the Expert: ‘I left his father because the relationship had become abusive’

Question: How do I talk to my son about the breakdown of my marriage to his father? We split up shortly after he was born, so he has never known us together. He will be four in a few months, so it will be another little while before he fully realises that most people's parents are together and live in the same house, I suppose when he starts school in a year.

My relationship with my ex-husband is not great most of the time, but we both do our best to not let that be known to our son. We do not bad-mouth each other to him, and I always talk up his weekends that he spends with his dad as being great even when my son himself says he'd rather stay home with me etc. I know his dad says nice things about me, although he has told our son that he still loves me, which is a difficult one to navigate. So far I have changed the focus of the conversation when it comes up.

My first problem is knowing how to explain to my son that, while we loved each other once, and that’s why we had a child together, we do not love each other any more – without making it sound as if love is conditional or temporary? I am afraid he will start to believe that our love for him might go away too. The second problem I have is that I left his father because the relationship had become abusive. This isn’t something I want to tell him, ever, really, but certainly not any time soon. So how do I tell him why we split up? Thank you.

Answer: Talking to your son about how you and his father are separated parents is not a single conversation. Rather, it is an ongoing conversation throughout his life. There are different things he will need to know at different stages of his childhood. At four years of age, he will mainly need to know that you both love and care for him so he can feel secure, but as a teenager he might need to understand more about the separation.

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How to talk to your son

When talking to your son, the important thing is to be matter of fact and upbeat in your explanations. Don’t automatically anticipate problems or questions he does not yet have.

At four years of age, the sort of key messages he needs to hear are:

  • There are lots of families where parents live apart and he does not have to feel bad about this. Mentioning other children he knows in similar situations might help.
  • You and his dad love him and that will never change.
  • You and his dad will parent together to care for him.

It is great that you and his dad don’t “bad-mouth” and say nice things about each other in front of him. This will help him feel secure that he is cared for by both of you and that you both support one another the best you can to do this.

Talking to your son together with his father

If possible it can be a good idea to talk to your son with his father. This does not have to be a formal conversation, and could happen naturally when you are together. For example, after he is dropped back after a weekend, you might start a conversation: “Remember you were asking about how come your dad lives away…” During the conversation make sure to cover the key messages above. It is also a good idea for you and his dad to talk individually with your son about the issues – children often have different questions for different parents.

Managing tricky conversations

In your question, you were worried as to how to talk about how you “did not love his father anymore” in case that makes him feel love was temporary. I think you can address this directly by normalising separated families and emphasising that both of you love him forever and this will never change.

Some children harbour a fantasy of their parents getting back together and you can counteract this by communicating in words and deeds that the fact you parent separately, does not in any way reduce your commitment to coparent and care for him – you can be together as parents while living apart. Remember the important thing is to encourage him to talk about his feelings and worries and for you to listen carefully. This is important throughout his childhood.

Talking about the relationship abuse

At this stage, your son does not need to know about the specifics of your relationship breakdown. However, there may be a point in the future when he needs to know more about this, for example, when he is a teenager or young adult embarking on his own relationships. It is important to think through how you might talk about this when the time comes.

I would recommend that you seek professional support or go to counselling to think this through. Being through an abusive relationship is traumatic and I would encourage you to seek personal support. I would also encourage his father to separately seek counselling and support about the past. The better the two of you can come to terms with the past and move on positively, the better for your son.

One Family provides a helpline, counselling and parenting groups for separated families and so is a good first port of call.

– John Sharry is founder of the Parents Plus Charity and an adjunct professor at the UCD School of Psychology. He is author of several parenting books, including Parenting when Separated. See solutiontalk.ie for details.