My husband and I are stuck in a cycle of cheating and revenge

Dear Roe,

My husband and I have been married for 20 years. Eight years after we married, he started an emotional affair with my friend. I found out about it and had him cut all ties. He promised to comply. I got very depressed but wanted to take revenge on him. I had a physical affair myself with three single men at work but cut all ties with them after a particular point (once with every man) as I thought I didn't want this leading into sex. They all understood and there was no further contact.

Eight years later, my husband started an affair with one of his exes. It was a physical relationship where he met her once a year – five times overall – but he says he didn't have sex with her. I discovered that three months ago, after he gaslighted me entirely, saying I was being delusional. Now, we are back to square one.

We are both taking therapy and marital counselling. He does not know about my affairs. Now I don’t know if I should trust him that he will be a changed man, or if I should do some revenge cheating myself and get even with him? I am confused, worried and annoyed. The point is, I knew when to start and stop but he wanted his affairs to continue forever and be discovered by me. We have a very successful family and children aside from this garbage we are dealing with.

‘I’m holding the smallies a little tighter these nights as I tuck them into bed’

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It’s time to think deeply about what you want and how this relationship makes you feel, because it’s not clear from you letter. You focus on the score-keeping of the infidelities, the number of times, the amount of physical contact, but don’t say anything about how these incidents made you feel. Beyond these grapples for power and control and revenge, I wonder what you actually prioritise in a relationship: loyalty, fidelity, love, respect, trust? You don’t mention any of these qualities in your letter – do they exist in your relationship? Have they ever?

You don't seem open to the idea that this relationship could improve, or that you could react differently, or that you could leave

Is this the kind of relationship you want – one of infidelity and secrecy and power plays and drama? This isn’t a rhetorical question. Some people enjoy some drama, and you have not left your husband nor told him about your affairs in case it’s a dealbreaker for him. And even as you express suspicions regarding your husband’s ability to change, you are keeping your own back-up plan of more revenge affairs and power plays in your back pocket, so you’re not exactly embracing change or evolution right now, either.

You don’t seem open to the idea that this relationship could improve, or that you could react differently, or that you could leave. So you need to ask yourself: what am I fighting for, what am I staying for, and what do I actually want?

I have frequently urged letter writers to consider an open relationship, in situations where monogamy isn’t working, and opening up the relationship could be fulfilling and empowering. But open relationships need honesty and respect to be healthy and fulfilling, and I don’t know if your relationship has those qualities. Maybe it does, and perhaps removing the pressure of monogamy and giving yourselves some freedom to engage with other people outside of the relationship would help end all the tension and secrecy. But if your foundation isn’t strong, you could simply be adding more people to a dysfunctional situation.

Keep going to therapy. Think hard about what you want, what is good for you as an individual, and whether this relationship is offering you that. Are you who you want to be in this relationship? Discuss with your therapist the benefit of telling your husband about your affairs, and start from a place of honesty – whether that involves changing your relationship; embracing it, drama and all; or leaving it, is up to you.