I am living with my best friend’s family and I crave her dad

Dear Roe,

I'm woman in my early 20s and because of the recent pandemic, I moved in with my best friend for my mum's safety, as she is high risk. We've been friends for years, and I'm basically part of her family. I've always had a bit of a childhood crush on her dad (he's a good-looking man in his late 40s, and I've never had an issue with age). However, the weeks spent in close contact with him caused it to develop into something more. I think I might be in love with him, but he's married, not to mention he's my best friend's dad. He's given me subtle hints that he may feel something for me, and my friend has also hinted that her parents are on the rocks, and a small part of me wants that to be true. What should I do? Is it just a lockdown love, or could this be something real, worth risking my friendship for?

Let’s try a thought experiment. Imagine, for a moment, that I said you should go for it. Imagine I wrote, in all seriousness, “This sounds like the real deal. It sounds like this married man who has known you since you were a child, who is more than 20 years older than you, is absolutely interested in a fully-rounded, healthy relationship. In my experience, men who flirt with their daughters’ best friends, in the house they share with their wife, always turn out to be stand-up gentlemen and trustworthy partners. It sounds like this affair will blossom into a loving, lifelong relationship. I also think that when you start an affair with your best friend’s father after she and her mother generously welcomed you into their home – because they wanted to help protect your family – they will very quickly forgive you for contributing to the break-up of theirs. Your friend will never have any trust or esteem issues arising from the fact that her father and her best friend chose to betray her and hurt her and ruin her family in order to have sex with each other. And being your friend’s new stepmom will be so much fun. This definitely will work out well. Enjoy yourself!”

Would that feel right to you? Would you genuinely read that and think, ‘What excellent advice! Roe has declared this is to be a good decision, and thus all my concerns have been assuaged! Allow me now to go take off my clothes in this man’s en suite, and hope it’s him coming in for a shower and not his wife’?

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I don’t think you would. Because frankly, I don’t believe you’re that stupid, or that unfeeling. You know this is wrong. You know that this is, on so many levels, a cruel and selfish and stupid and dangerous idea you’re considering. That’s why you wrote in. Because you want something, and know that you shouldn’t go after what you want. So I’m going to give you some tough love here. Not because I think you’re a bad person for wanting someone you shouldn’t, but because you need to understand exactly how bad an idea it is in order to come back to your better senses.

Now, the necessary disclaimers. Firstly, you have no idea if this man actually has any interest in you. He has given no indication that he is, and may just be acting perfectly, normally nice to his daughter’s friend, which your infatuated brain is overanalysing. This entire question is utterly hypothetical. Secondly, if you did have an affair, he would inarguably be more in the wrong than you, both because he’s married and decades older. So in the hypothetical scenario where an affair does happen, he would deserve the lion’s share of the blame.

But you are an adult, you are responsible for your own actions, and you’re the one who has written in, so let’s focus on you.

You're not in love with him. Let's get that clear. You are attracted and infatuated. You have had no romantic interactions with this man, he has not explicitly expressed interest in you, you've hung out with him in front of his family members for a while. Believing that this hugely limited interaction is "love" is a sign of your emotional immaturity. And that's okay – you're in your early 20s. You are emotionally immature. Which, incidentally, is why you don't have to "have an issue with age" for there to still be a huge issue with a man who is 20-plus years older than you and has known you since you were a child pursuing you in any way.

You are emotionally immature while he is a middle-aged, married adult who has had more power than you (and presumably literally has had power over you as a child, on occasions when you were hanging out with his daughter) for your entire life. The power dynamic is irrevocably skewed.

Middle-aged men don't cheat on their wives with young women that they've known since they were a child because that woman is special

But you can be emotionally immature without being self-destructive, selfish and cruel. And you are considering being all of these things. It’s not glamorous to try to have an affair with an older, married person. It doesn’t make you grown up, or sexy or exciting. It makes you small. It makes you shrink yourself down for someone who gets exactly what they want from you, and giving barely anything in return. It makes you lie and betray and hurt people who love and care about you just so you can feel special for a few minutes.

And you will not be special. Even if this man were to consider an affair with you, it wouldn’t be because you’re mature, or supernaturally interesting, or because you understand him like no one else does. Middle-aged men don’t cheat on their wives with young women that they’ve known since they were a child because that woman is special. They cheat because those young women are there, are in awe of older men, are emotionally immature and vulnerable to manipulation.

If you were to try to initiate something with this man, you would be deeply, irrevocably hurting your best friend, her mother, this entire family, because you want to feel wanted. Instead of doing that, examine this need instead. Why does feeling wanted beat out wanting to do the right thing? Why do you prioritise men’s attention over being loyal to the women in your life? Why do you feel like you have to hurt people to feel good? Why don’t you want a relationship with someone who is free to have a fully-rounded relationship with you?

Your infatuation with this man and your emotional immaturity have clouded your loyalty, your empathy, your wisdom. But you can choose to embrace these better qualities. You can choose not to indulge every desire you have. Spoiler alert: choosing the right thing is a sign of emotional maturity.

Get out of this house. Make your excuses and leave. Find somewhere else to stay. Find your way back to your senses. Find your way towards being a better, more loyal, more mature person. This man is not the way.