ASK THE EXPERT: DAVID COLEMANanswers your parenting questions
Q: My five-year-old son started school in September and was doing fine until the Halloween break. After the break he started getting very anxious about going in to the classroom in the morning. His anxiety has not really eased at all and he’s still very anxious about going in to the school. We’ve tried so many things with the help of the school but it’s still so difficult every day to get him to go in. Once he has settled he is largely fine in the class and seems happy at going home time. Any ideas on what might be causing this anxiety?
AUnfortunately, with the information you have provided it is hard to be definite about why your son has begun to get anxious about going in to school. It may be that he is being bullied or picked upon. However, the reports from his teacher of his generally happy demeanour once in school would suggest that this is unlikely.
It is common enough for first-time school goers to get proverbial cold feet after an initial honeymoon-type period. Many children starting school for the first time seem to have settled in well and then go through a period where they seem really reluctant to go.
In the early days school was probably exciting, new and to be explored by him. Now he may feel that he has explored it and he would rather choose to be at home, back with his old habits, routines and toys. The Halloween break was probably the longest period he had at home since starting school and it just accentuated, for him, the things he prefers about being at home.
In my experience this reluctance is not only common but short-lived, as long as parents adopt a fairly robust and matter-of-fact approach to the issue. If you think that his reluctance to attend (expressed as an anxiety) fits with what I am suggesting then, be empathetic but firm about the fact that he simply HAS to go to school.
Don’t entertain his tears or tantrums about not wanting to go – especially in light of the fact that he seems happy enough once he has settled into the classroom – as this is just his hook to try to persuade you to give in to him. I also would avoid discussing school the night before and indeed minimise discussion of school generally in the house.
That is not to say that you are hard-hearted with him or distant from him. You can certainly empathise with him, saying things like, “You seem like you really don’t want to go, but you have to. All children over five have to go to school.” Or, depending on what you think might be part of his reasoning for staying at home, you may say something like, “I think you would rather play with your toys at home than go to school and play with your friends there. It can be fun to play with toys, but it can also be fun to meet your friends.”
Then, when you bring him to the school, try to be as efficient as possible about getting him in to the class and to his teacher. His school seems capable of dealing with any initial upset and his teacher seems able to help him settle into the routine of the school day.
So once he is with his teacher turn on your heel, with a quick goodbye, and keep moving. Try to be confident about how he will cope and if you find that your own anxiety about leaving him to school gets too great, then see if someone else, like his dad, could do the school drop-off.
Q I have a three-year-old boy who is wonderful. However, I am concerned for him and for me that he does absolutely no independent play. I just cannot seem to get him interested in things. Sometimes he will play with me, but if it lasts more than five to 10 minutes we are doing well. All he wants to do when he’s in the house is watch TV. He enjoys baking with me but that is really it. He is very happy when he’s running around outside, but it’s not practical to always do this. Am I doing something wrong or is he just a very physical child that isn’t interested in other kinds of activity?
I would love some ideas for how to encourage him to play on his own and to play with me. It would give me some breathing space now and again, and I feel it would support his development.
A I don’t think you are doing anything wrong. He does sound like he is just a very busy and active child, and in this respect I believe is he very typical of three-year-olds and more especially, three-year-old boys.
Ten minutes attention to a shared task is good enough at his age. The attention span for an adult is only about 20 minutes. Three-year-olds simply start physically wandering away when their attention gets diverted elsewhere.
I also believe that we shouldn’t be in a rush to move our children into independent play too soon. Games that you play with him that involve singing, repetition, clapping and movement will all be more attractive to him. Talking about what he is doing or what you are doing with him (a bit like a running commentary) will also help him to stay focused, increase his awareness of what he is about, and will help with things like language development.
I think you will find that if you stop him from watching TV altogether (either remove it or cover it up during the day), it will help to increase his attention span. He will be much more likely to occupy himself with toys, imaginative or fantasy games and such like. While he might protest in the early stages of having no TV, he will very quickly adapt and you will be amazed at how much better able he is to take part in activities without constantly being drawn to the TV.
David Coleman is a clinical psychologist, author and broadcaster.
Readers’ queries are welcome and will be answered through the column, but David regrets he cannot enter into individual correspondence.
Questions should be e-mailed to healthsupplement@irishtimes.com