‘I love being home for Christmas - but my dad uses it as an excuse to drink excessively’

Question

I come from a close family in the country, but we’ve all left home and most of us have worked abroad, at least for a couple of years. I normally would love being home for Christmas as it is a special time for all of us, but, over the last couple of years, my Dad has used it as an excuse to drink excessively.

He is already planning the cocktails and ordering mint in, etc, and while this sounds like fun, he wants to start at 5pm each day and sometimes he is incoherent by early evening. Last year he fell going upstairs to bed and I spent a night in A&E with him, as I am the only one not drinking in my family, so I could drive.

The others don’t see it as a problem as much as I do, so I get little support when I try to organise some kind of plan around it. I think my siblings like to behave like teenagers again, getting drunk and staying in bed half the day. It really is unbearable for me, and this year I am bringing my partner home for the first time.

He is not Irish, and I am worried he will judge my family as dysfunctional, and this would really upset me. My mother just suffers it, she looks after everyone and is allowed to do all the organising and cooking. When I talk to her about it, she says she loves Christmas and it’s only once a year, so not to worry about it.

It makes me angry and upset though, and I know I will end up coming across as a kind of headmistress.

Answer

People tend to occupy roles in families, and it is worth bringing these to the surface and questioning their purpose in the family. You seem to occupy the role of boundary-holder, and everyone can allow themselves to let go, knowing you will pick up the pieces.

Your family may also feel they can measure their behaviour against your disapproval and see themselves as being more fun, or less inhibited, than you are. While there may be some truth in this, I wonder what would happen if you gave up this role of boundary-holder? Might someone else in your family take up the position of calling “enough” on things and allow you to lighten up and stop monitoring what everyone else is doing?

[ ‘He can’t say no to another drink when he’s out with friends or family’Opens in new window ]

The role of headmistress is to keep everyone on track (for educational success) and ensure safety – is this really what your family needs from you? When you are not around, how does your family manage to be successful?

It is not that they do not have the ability or capacity for self-management, but maybe that when you are there, they hand over this responsibility to you. It may be that when you act the headmistress, you bring out the child in your siblings and father, thus encouraging them to misbehave or try to get away with something.

It is hard to break established habits, so some preparation on your behalf may be needed to help bring about change. Could you and your partner book alternative accommodation locally so that you leave your home in the late evenings when things might be getting messy?

‘Do not try to force your family to like your partner or vice versa, allow him to form his own relationships, and try not to monitor everyone’s responses’

You will have to curb your desire to manage the situation. You love your family, so want to see them to be safe and make a good impression on your partner, but if you step back, it might encourage some of the others to take more responsibility. It would be good to let everyone know your concerns, and the opportunity presents itself as you are bringing your partner for the first time. Your Dad associates family events with drinking, and falling is a sign that this is problematic, so take the opportunity to speak to him and to your Mum and your siblings. Ask whether there is anything you can do to help, but do not take over their responsibilities.

Offer to be part of the overall response to the situation, but if possible, allow someone else to take the lead. This should be your mother, but if she is not able for this, another sibling might be in a better position to lead the change. The introduction of someone new to the family occasion is an opportunity to change some patterns – perhaps organise events for 5pm that are an alternative to drinking, and see who wants to join you?

Do not try to force your family to like your partner or vice versa, allow him to form his own relationships, and try not to monitor everyone’s responses.

Remember, if you are having a good time and are relaxed, then those around you are more likely to feel that they can be themselves, so make plans that ensure you enjoy yourself and allow others to manage themselves this Christmas.