Question
I’m in my mid-30s and feeling very down. I split up with my long-term boyfriend some months ago and I can’t seem to come to terms with it. We had been going out with each other for more than three years and lived together for the last year. For at least eight months there had been a distance growing between us. There was nothing you could put your finger on, no fights or arguments, just a sense that we were not a unit any more. I am suspicious that he may have been with someone in the lead-up to him ending our relationship, but I don’t have any proof. I had stopped all physical contact, and we were essentially living together as flatmates. I think he needs to take some responsibility for this, as I need to feel that someone is very attracted to me before I can allow sex to happen.
However, I now think I still love him. He moved out, and I was fine at first, but, as the weeks have gone on, I have become more and more down and sad about it. He is talking about going to Australia for a couple of years, and this might have been an adventure for both of us and I am questioning the decision to end it without any real fight. I miss him and would love to tell him that, but I don’t want to cause any upset. I now realise what a lovely person he is, but I don’t want to cause him more pain. But I’m struggling and am wondering how to move on.
Answer
It sounds as though the inevitable happened – the relationship was slowly winding down for a year and there may have been a third party and there was no intimacy. This was a significant relationship in your life and so sadness and loss is not only normal, but also appropriate to the level of importance this played in your life.
You should trust that you made the best decision at the time – that is, to let the relationship end. When you made this decision, you were happy with it and had your own best interest at the centre of your plans. Now that you are feeling lonely and sad, you are questioning your choices, but it is always good to follow choices you made when in a good or strong place, as these are likely to be right for you.
‘Although my current job has a structured career path and is secure, I find it meaningless’
‘I am divorced at 60, envious of my ex-husband’s new life and struggling with loneliness’
‘I’m dating a previously married man but I feel sad that I will always come second to his children’
‘A stranger entered our family and turned them all against us’
Hindsight might not offer you the best perspective in that it can put a rose-coloured tint on the years you were together when in fact you had a long eight months when you did not want any intimacy with him, and you mistrusted that he desired only you. Our bodies can often express intelligence and yours backed away from him and this is worth remembering. Many couples get back together and repeat the same pattern as they had previously – it takes a huge continuous effort to change habits and both people would need to be very motivated to achieve this. You ask two things: whether to tell him that you are reconsidering the relationship or whether to let it go completely.
It is important to make a decision about which direction to go in. If you are considering asking for a second chance, you might talk to friends and family that knew you together and ask what they saw in the relationship and take their advice seriously. If they are overwhelmingly in favour of reconnecting, then you might reach out to your ex for a conversation, but both of you would need things to be significantly different if a new chance were to have a chance of success.
If you wish to move on, then you will need to accept that there is a period of grief to process as you begin to put into place all the things your life needs, even if your heart is not quite in it at the moment. For example, having a social life, mixing with friends, making sure that your work fits your interests and create some focus for your passions. It is also good to take up some kind of exercise or sport, as this really helps with the mental trauma of breaking up.
[ ‘I’m worried: My ex-husband and I have been invited to a wedding’Opens in new window ]
There is a possibility that many of your friends are urging you to go dating or do some online flirting, and while this is a generally good idea, the chances are that you are not ready for this yet. You are grieving a lost love and a lost opportunity, and you need to give this time. You mention that you are missing the possibility of an adventure, and this might be something you could explore and put some energy into planning for your future.
- To send your question to Trish Murphy, fill in the form below, click here or email tellmeaboutit@irishtimes.com
