Why do I keep attracting toxic men?

Dear Roe,

I’m a 37-year-old woman and I’m honestly going to give up on ever finding a good man. I had low self-esteem as a teenager and in my early 20s, and my first “relationships” were with men who already had girlfriends. Then I had two long-term, serious relationships in my late 20s and early 30s, and both of these exes lied, drank and cheated compulsively.

Towards the end of one of those relationships, I confided in a man at work about how badly my ex was treating me and we ended up having an affair. The man I worked with was in a relationship, but told me he loved me and wanted to be with me, which gave me the strength to leave my relationship – but then the man decided to stay with his girlfriend, leaving me with nothing.

I’ve just ended yet another relationship with a man who was charming and charismatic when he wanted to be, but could also be distant and never wanted to commit to any future plans. I’m exhausted, and all of my friends are getting married or having children with good, kind, decent men, while it’s getting harder for me to meet anyone. Why do I keep attracting these toxic men – and how can I keep going?

‘My partner’s mother has a sharp tongue and she won’t stop commenting on my weight’

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‘My crush is gay and will never love me back. How do I cope?’

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‘My ex said she wanted to marry me – so how has she moved on so quickly?’

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‘I’m an assault survivor and don’t want as much sex as my partner’

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I’m so sorry that you’ve had all these horrible, esteem-shaking experiences, and that you’re feeling hopeless. I promise that things can be different, but I’m afraid it’s going to take some work and commitment on your part. I’m not talking about the work of dating and finding someone; I’m talking about the ways in which you need to find yourself and address some of your own issues.

This isn’t to blame you or to overlook or undermine the ways in which you have been treated badly – there is no excuse for people cheating on you or lying to you or making you feel bad about yourself. However, when there is a repeating pattern in our romantic lives that we want to change, it is important to look at the role we are playing, the choices we are making, and do what we can to break out of those patterns so that we can have the relationships we want.

[ ‘Four years on from a tough break-up, I still think about my ex every day’ ]

So I am going to flip the question you have asked me – “Why do I keep attracting all these toxic men?” – and instead ask you to consider a different question: Why are you attracted to toxic men?

There are many reasons why unhealthy relationships can feel so addictive and why so many people end up on the hamster wheel of endlessly chasing someone unavailable, hoping for some attention and validation. An important one to be aware of is the idea of intermittent reinforcement. It’s a term from behavioural science that states that, if you don’t know when you will get rewarded, you will keep trying and trying, hoping that a reward is coming soon.

You may have heard of intermittent reinforcement in relation to gambling machines or online games that give out just enough small wins to keep people playing. Even as people are steadily losing their money, they keep going, believing that the next big win must be coming soon if they just keep trying. Intermittent reinforcement is also how social media platforms such as Twitter, Instagram and TikTok become so addictive, as we keep checking and scrolling, waiting for the next Like or retweet or the next funny video, and we don’t even notice that we’re spending hours scrolling.

When we do receive a Like or win a few coins on a slot machine, we get a hit of dopamine, which is a pleasure chemical in the brain. We get addicted to the pursuit, the hope, the chase – and when we get those small, random wins we interpret that as our perseverance being rewarded.

We become convinced that if we only try harder, the rewards will keep coming and they’ll be bigger. But all we’re really doing is losing our time, losing our money, and losing our sense of self to something programmed to make us dependent on it.

You longingly look at the stable, kind, consistent partners of your friends, but in your own life you actively chase the drama and inconsistency and unpredictability of unreliable men

You see where I’m going with this, right? When you are in a relationship with someone who is inconsistent, unreliable and unavailable, you are getting intermittent rewards. As you say yourself, your last ex was charming and charismatic “when he wanted to be”. I bet he made you feel so special, so adored. I bet he was exciting and flirtatious and intoxicating – and then he would disappear. He wouldn’t contact you, he’d bail on plans, or he would be with you but be emotionally distant or cold, withdrawing from you, leaving you desperately trying to figure out what you did wrong, and trying to fix it.

Or your co-worker, who you only saw in snatches of stolen time, where everything was so intimate and intense as he told you that you deserved better than the man you were with, that he loved you, that he could save you – and then he would disappear back to his real life with his girlfriend, leaving you waiting for the next time he could secretly call you or meet up with you.

[ ‘I’m tired of faking orgasms and having rows about our sex life’ ]

This is intermittent reinforcement in action. It creates a constant sense of anxiety and stress that is interrupted with periods of intense pleasure and excitement. You have become addicted to it, and so are stuck in a pattern where you’re chasing the exact thing you say you don’t want. You longingly look at the stable, kind, consistent partners of your friends, but in your own life you actively chase the drama and inconsistency and unpredictability of unreliable men.

You need to start getting really curious about why you’re doing this. There is a subconscious part of you that is getting something out of the chase, out of the ongoing belief that you don’t deserve to have your basic needs met, and the fleeting “victories” and sense of worthiness when these men do pay attention to you.

This is where a good therapist could come in, who will take time exploring what damaging beliefs you hold about yourself, and what early relationships or interactions taught you that you constantly need to be trying and proving yourself in order to feel loved. Until you address this subconscious part of you, it’s going to continue running the show.

I’d urge you to stay single for a little bit as you begin therapy, to give yourself time to adjust

I want to flag that one of the challenges for you – and for anyone who has become stuck in this cycle – is going to be adjusting to the stability of a healthy relationship with someone who is kind, respectful and reliable. When you’re so used to living in a heightened state, the lack of chaos and anxiety can feel like boredom or disinterest or a lack of attraction. And when you’re not spending all your energy thinking about someone else and their needs, It can leave you with a lot of time to focus on yourself, which can feel deeply uncomfortable.

[ Twenty ways to make your relationship more lasting, loving and lustful ]

I’d urge you to stay single for a little bit as you begin therapy, to give yourself time to adjust and rediscover who you are without these men. What do you enjoy? What are you passionate about? Where can you focus your energies in fulfilling ways – and then hold on to those passions when you start dating, so you don’t lose yourself?

You have a lot of love and energy to give to the world, and to another person. But it’s time to make conscious choices now that are good for you. Book a therapist, do the work, reap the real rewards.