‘We’re going to a funeral. Not a Saturday night rave!’

Name: Éadaoin O'Neill
Age: 16
School: Scoil Mhuire Gan Smál, Blarney, Co Cork

How Long Does it Take to Get to Meath

Síle is a mother of two: Kathleen (8) and Peadar (13).

The stage is brightly lit.

Three chairs are in the middle of the stage, two in front and one in the middle, behind, to look like the seats in a car.

‘Before you judge my life, wear my shoes, take my road, live through my pain’

---

‘I write stories to force adults to think about horrible topics’

---

My Mammy lives in a box: A story by Amy Cahill

---

Síle is standing at the side of the stage, in a black dress, her hands cupping her mouth, shouting into the offstage.

Taylor Swift is playing in the background.

Síle: For the last time! Will ye get into the car! KATHLEEN! Turn off that music!

Kathleen runs on to the stage, frantically, in a leotard and tutu, with pigtails on.

Kathleen: Sorry, Mammy! I was just practising my dance.

Síle looks Kathleen up and down.

Síle: Oh for feck sake. Would you not put on the dress I laid out for you?

Kathleen: Ehh-

Kathleen and Síle stare at each other.

Síle: Sure feck it. There’s no time now. Just get into the car!

Kathleen: What shoes will I wear, Mam?

Síle: I couldn’t care less at this stage, Kathleen! Just get in the car!

Síle turns to the empty space to call Peadar. While she’s not looking, Kathleen pulls on a pair of yellow wellington boots.

Síle: Will ya come on, Peadar! You’re worse than any woman!

Peadar comes strolling on to the stage calmly, in a black Adidas tracksuit, runners and a denim jacket. Meanwhile, Kathleen sits into the chair at the back.

1.

Síle: What are you doing with that hideous tracksuit on ya? At the age of 13 and you still can’t even dress yourself?

Peadar: Relax Mam. Grandad got it for me.

Síle’s face softens.

Síle: Oh. Right. Just please get in the car before I have a banger.

Peadar turns and starts to walk towards the car.

Peadar: Calm down Mam.

Síle: Peadar! When has anyone ever calmed down after being told to calm down?!

Peadar rolls his eyes and gets into the front seat, followed by Síle. She starts the car and they hit the road.

Síle: Ye have my heart broken, I tell ye. Do ye know how long it takes to get to Meath?

Peadar: Go on, how long?

Síle: About four hours. That’s absolutely bating the road. And we have to be there by 2. So, we’re already an hour late. Fecking. Brilliant.

Peadar: Relax, Mam! Granda’s not going anywhere ...

Síle shoots Peadar an annoyed, sad look.

Peadar: (frowning) Sorry Mam.

A few seconds pass.

Síle: Pass me an apple there Kathleen, I’m starved. I forgot to have any breakfast because I was too busy trying to get ye to into the car!

Peadar rolls his eyes.

Kathleen gives an apple to Síle.

Síle starts to eat the apple.

2.

Peadar: Is there one for me?

Kathleen: (fake laughs) Ha! It's not like you need it.

Peadar: (suddenly angry) I'll tell you what you need! A kick up the ho-

Síle: (with a mouthful of apple) PEADAR! Don't even think about finishing that sentence.

Peadar: She started it!

Síle has one hand on the steering wheel, the apple in her mouth and she reaches one hand over to slap Peadar.

Peadar: Oww!

Síle: I don’t care who started it! That’s no way to talk to your sister!

Peadar: (sarcastically) Alright.

Síle shoots Peadar an angry look.

She finishes the apple.

Kathleen: Throw it out the window Mam!

Peadar: No, not now there’s a car behind us.

Síle: Be grand sure. “Keep Ireland Clean” week ended yesterday.

Peadar: We should wait until the bend though, just in case.

Kathleen turns around and looks out “the back window”.

Kathleen: Now, Mam! Now!

Síle throws the apple out the window, as far as she can. They all sit back, staring forward.

Peadar: That was close

Silence for a few seconds.

3.

Kathleen: Peadar – turn on the radio!

Peadar turns on the radio. Traditional Irish music is playing.

Kathleen: Ah, not this shite!

Síle: Kathleen!

Peadar changes the radio station. Rap music is playing. He turns it up.

Síle: Turn off that noise!

Peadar: Mam, this is music.

Síle reaches across and slaps Peadar across the leg.

Síle: Would you not have a bit of respect? Considering where we’re going?

Peadar: It is a tune though.

Síle: Peadar, please. It’s 11 o’clock in the morning. We’re going to a funeral. Not a Saturday night rave!

Peadar: Alright, Mam. Sorry.

Peadar changes the song and sad, sombre music starts to play

Síle: (softly) That’s not what I meant. D’you want us all to be depressed?

Peadar: Sure what d’you want me to put on so?

Kathleen reaches forward and turns back on the radio. Rock music is playing.

Kathleen: Yeah I love jazz!

Peadar: My God you are thick.

Síle: Peadar! She’s only 8! Can we just put on something calming? Please?

Peadar turns back on the rap music, and turns it up.

4.

Peadar: (rapping along)

Síle reaches across and slaps Peadar again.

Síle: Cop on Peadar! What did I literally just say?

Kathleen reaches forward, turns back on the rock music and starts dancing in the backseat.

Síle: (shouting) RIGHT! That's it!

Síle punches the radio and shuts it off.

Everyone sits in silence for about 10 seconds.

Kathleen: How long is left?

Síle: I don’t know.

Kathleen: I mean like, what time will we get there?

Síle: I don’t know.

Kathleen: What time is it now?

Síle: (frustrated) I don't know, Kathleen.

Kathleen: How long have we been on the road?

Síle: Will you shut up for a few seconds. I’m trying to concentrate on the road!

Kathleen: I just want to know!

Peadar checks his watch.

Peadar: (sighs) Like, an hour and a half! Now will you stop! Asking! Questions?! You’re driving me insane!

Silence for a few seconds.

5.

Peadar: Do we have any food?

Síle: I don’t– We do, actually.

Peadar: Good, cos I’m starvin’.

Kathleen: Me too.

Síle: Me too. Right, pass up the sandwiches, Kathleen. They should be in the bag behind my seat.

Kathleen passes in a box of sandwiches. They all take one.

Peadar: Where are the Taytos?

Síle: I didn’t bring them.

Kathleen: I didn’t bring ’em either.

Peadar: Are ye feckin’ serious? Sure what’s the point in a picnic then?

No answer.

Peadar: (sighs) Women.

Kathleen: (sighs sarcastically) Men.

Peadar: Shut up.

Kathleen: Whatever.

This is an extract from How Long Does it Take to Get to Meath, which was performed at the Everyman Theatre in Cork on June 21st, 2019, as part of Graffiti Theatre's Young Playwrights programme