Made in Chelsea: hunting for gossip like pigs in search of truffles

This week on Made in Chelsea there was the arrival of Miles – an S Club Juniors version of a 1990s Johnny Depp. The mysterious stranger appeared out of nowhere (or just beyond SW3) and in true Gatsby fashion promptly set about inviting everyone to a soirée to celebrate absolutely nothing other than being obnoxiously wealthy.

Newcomers to Chelsea are always dropped into the show in the most unsubtle way, they may as well be announced by a clanging gong or appear in a puff of smoke like the wizard in the fairy tale who interrupts the wedding ball to curse the happy couple. Miles sole purpose in the episode was to announce to anyone who he spoke to for more than five seconds that man-sized marionette-doll Digby was messaging his recent ex-girlfriend on Instagram.

Digby and Liv (who sound like a wine bar jazz duo but who are actually a scarily similar-looking couple) may have survived their first lover's wobble last week after haystack-haired troublemaker Frankie Gaff delighted in divulging overheard information to Digby that Liv was becoming bored of him. Watching the cherubic chap become ever more crestfallen, the high-class hairball then accused him of being a duplicitous hoaxer before storming off to probably drive around the city streets yelling the truth about Santa to passing children.

The duo recovered though, with aristo-trash Liv smugly confessing that she wanted to settle down with Digby. No sooner had these words been uttered when several of the ladies of the Royal Borough of Kensington almost pole vaulted their way into Raffles to be the first to breathlessly dispense the news that Digby may have had communication with a woman who was not an immediate relative.

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Happily, the show's serial monogamist Louise Thompson remains in blissful ignorance

When will the Chelsea set ever learn that boasting about one's relationship will only end in tears? Not only is this practice considered uncouth and positively 'common' by the self-appointed Archduke of Decorum, Mark Francis Vandelli, but it also causes the spanielesque ears of frenemies to prick up as they go on the hunt for destructive gossip, snuffling through social media like pigs in search of truffles.

Happily, the show's serial monogamist Louise Thompson remains in blissful ignorance. By plastering the "celebration" of her two-year anniversary to sandpaper skinned gym-zombie Ryan Libbey all over Facebook, she was asking for trouble. Dreamily describing him as "the perfect match" to her braying brother Sam (the would-be star of a Muppet movie about the Bullingdon Club) she set the scene for everything to go catastrophically wrong.

Upon seeing her outpouring of faux-motion on his timeline, Louise’s New York hotdog ex-boyfriend Alik did some fast-maths and calculated that they were still in a relationship at the time of her supposed meeting with “the one” leaving him to be the minus one. Wasting no time in sharing this information with cackling Disney villain and scandal-trafficker Victoria at their random dinner with Alik’s visiting father, who for some inexplicable reason was dressed as a frontier-land gonk, it was Made in Chelsea at its most luridly cartoonish.

With poor Ryan’s pecs frantically twitching at the mere sight of gel-boy Alik across the restaurant, the signal may eventually have reached his brain by next week just in time for some blank-faced brute to crash the party revealing Louise’s indiscretion, in a quintessential Chelsea move before disappearing into the not so tender night.