Don’t expect Bill Murray to be getting into the thieving spirit this season

The spirit of thieving is in the air, gently reminding all that Christmas is the most wonderful time to swipe gear. Bill Murray's proposed pinching of Wu Tang Clan's one-of-a-kind record was the order of the day last week. The walking representative of big pharma Martin Skreli bought the only print of Wu Tang's Once Upon A Time in Shaolin at auction, presumably with all the clams he raked in from hiking the price of an essential Aids medicine by 5,000 per cent .

In the wake of his purchase, a contract was circulated featuring top-class legalese. It permitted either the clan "and/or actor Bill Murray" to legally "plan and attempt to execute one (1) heist or caper to steal back Once Upon Upon A Time In Shaolin". If Robin Hood could exist in the modern day, everyone would want him in the form of Bill Murray.

Unfortunately the prospect of a big fat escapade in which Murray and the clan overcome all obstacles to save the day was ruined by the non-existence of the clause. It instead transpired that some lad drafted and scanned a page of text and tweeted it. Typical media, not triangulating sources [citation needed].

Guitarist for The Strokes Albert Hammond Jr, though, has been much more proactive. He caught a man swiping his wife's wallet this week and he outright decked him. Some CCTV footage of the attempt shows a heap of people getting into a scuffle not dissimilar to a cartoon dust ball of fighting bodies that emits occasional ricochet sounds. He got his wife's stuff back, while instilling the Fear of God in all.