After vowing to keep the hell away from spinning ideas for TV shows in this space, it is time to roll up our sleeves, pull out the notebooks and start pitching again. Promises are made to be broken, writes Jim Carroll.
Long-suffering readers will now be groaning and wondering if it is time to pen a letter to the editor about this carry-on. TV executives, on the other hand, will be on the edge of their seats. After all, they think to themselves with a big smirk, what this eejit comes up with could be the new Lyrics Board! The new Where In the World! The new Winning Streak! That's the rub with TV: it could be. No one knows what the hell works or why it works. But when it works, the spin-offs and sequels come rolling along like football transfer rumours in July.
In the United States at the moment, three of the Top 10 most-watched shows come from the Law & Order stable. There's the original Law & Order (where Jerry Orbach is still the wiseguy's wiseguy), there's Criminal Intent (where Vincent D'Onofrio's Goren is the best TV detective on the box) and there's Special Victims Unit (where Ice T does his best, bless him, to keep a blank face at all times).
Add forensic whodunit CSI (at number 1 and 5 in that most-watched chart) to the mix and you might think that smart cop shows are the way to go with your TV budget. Yet the people behind Boomtown would beg to differ.
The most innovative cops-and-robbers series screened in years, showing the same events from different characters' points-of-view and featuring ex-New Kid on the Block Donnie Wahlberg, Boomtown was six shows into its second series when the TV network pulled the plug. The numbers weren't good so that was it. Thank you, goodnight and please close the door on your way out.
While you can get the first series on DVD, and RTÉ have shown three of the six new shows (screened with little advance warning at 3am on a Sunday morning, as is RTÉ's wont when it comes to scheduling brilliant TV), Boomtown shows why TV executives have the fear when it comes to spending money on new shows. Boomtown should have worked, but it didn't. So, like A&R men happy to sign bands who sound like everyone else, TV shows follow a steady pattern of plagiarism. If CSI works in Las Vegas, it will probably also work in Miami.
All of which makes Celebrity You're A Star a surefire ratings winner. We all know You're A Star, the show where gormless gobshites are turned into stars in white suits before our very eyes. We all know the names of a couple of celebrities who are always up for a laugh or a decent bit of publicity. Put them together and you have the biggest TV event to hit this country since Cabin Fever hit a bloody big rock last summer.
The format is simple and can be spun over a few weeks or shoehorned into a night-long extravaganza which could even have some charity angle to it. Each celebrity will sing a few songs, talk to Ray D'Arcy about their fabulous life and wave at the cameras. Don't worry if the celebs can't sing - it didn't matter on You're A Star; the important thing is the face.
And what a collection of faces we could line up for the first Celebrity You're A Star. Representing the political dreams of the common man, there's Royston Brady. Representing the political nightmares of the common woman, there's Senator Mary O'Rourke. Representing the people of the world who look like Peter Griffin from Family Guy, there's Michael Moore. Representing the young married people of Ireland, there's one of the Westlife wives. Any one of them will do.
We can also envisage the likes of Mickey Joe Harte (he did it once, he'll do it again), Twink, Gavin Friday, Gerry Ryan and some class of celebrity barber coming onboard for the spin. A show with more talent, excitement, entertainment, bum notes and bitchiness than Celebrity Big Brother or Celebrity Farm - can't you just smell a hit?
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