No more keeping up with the Swensons

Give Me a Break/Kate Holmquist:I fell flat on my face at the International Women's Club last week in front of women from China, Pakistan, Canada, France, Sweden, Latvia and a host of other places.

I didn't fall flat literally, mind you, but my pride was hurt.

They'd asked me to talk about 'juggling' and we all know what that means - the family circus act of trying to have a career and be an effective parent, while not harming your children with all the falling plates and knives when you inevitably screw up.

Which I did last Tuesday.

I was arrogant enough to suggest that we in this State should follow the example of Norway, Denmark and Sweden by emulating their early-childhood care and education system, even at the price of higher taxes. Part of this, I innocently believed, would be the five-year paid parental leave that allows Swedish mothers to care for their own children in their own homes if they choose to do so. Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed a group of beautiful blondes in the fifth row, smiling and whispering to one another. One of them was the Swedish ambassador's wife. I thought they were laughing at one of my jokes.

Oh dear. It seems that the joke was on me. I've been under the misapprehension that the system of Scandinavian childcare gives parents the freedom to work without guilt or worry that their children are losing out. I've listened to working parents, visited Denmark, interviewed Irish and European childcare experts and read all the well-meaning State-funded reports. So I wasn't exactly misinformed. It seemed to make sense that if we Irish parents were paying one-quarter of what we do for childcare and if we were confident that it was top quality, we and our children would benefit.

How wrong I was. The Scandinavian contingent informed me that comprehensive quality childcare at the expense of the taxpayer is old hat. Some of them, with husbands in the diplomatic service, actually gave up careers and came to Dublin because, by living here, they wouldn't have to work. And how delighted they were to discover that at dinner parties they were appreciated for who they were, not for what job they held.

"In Sweden, it's all about your job title. Here, we meet women who are happy to be working in the home and there is no stigma," one of them told me.

I've met many Irish women who'd beg to differ, but from the Swedish point of view, we're the forward-thinking ones because a large minority of our mothers with children under five don't have to work outside the home. In Scandinavia, mothers feel forced to keep earning in order to maintain their status. And to pay for their houses, cars, holidays and the children's iPods, they work very hard.

The five-year leave isn't an option for them because it would mean falling behind both in career and material terms. In Scandinavia, it's even more important than it is here to keep earning in order to be "successful". It's all about keeping up with the Swensons.

It's not a lack of childcare that's the problem for these women - quite the opposite, the childcare is too good. They have no excuse NOT to work. Many of the current generation of Scandinavian mothers would like to turn back the clock, but it's too late because two incomes are now required to pay for all the material things an upstanding family is expected to have.

Does this sound familiar? The International Women's Club also has Irish members, who join because they have lived abroad and resettled here, making the club a means of social networking. Some of the Irish women said that the requirement to have two incomes to buy a house would never have occurred if women hadn't started putting their own incomes towards the cost of a mortgage in the first place.

It's too late to turn back the clock. It seems that for every woman who feels happy and fulfilled working outside the home while rearing children, there's another who hates having to juggle. Many Irish women at the meeting believe Irish parents should heed the Scandinavians' warnings that optimal childcare is a trap that boosts economies, not families.

I don't know what the answer is.

In thanks for my talk, the club gave me a bouquet of tulips, which was appropriate because, frankly, I felt like one.

PS Thank you to the female reader from Cork who sent me a leap-year proposal on foot of my column stating that I'd like to have an extra spouse, male or female, to help ease domestic life. This reader had given her husband breakfast in bed, done a load of laundry, filled the dishwasher and managed to read my column by 7.30am. Will you marry me?' she asked. We are currently in discussions as to whether she should move to Dublin or I to Cork, which, she says, is far less stressful.

kholmquist@irish-times.ie