I SEE where Steffi Graf has been involved in a minor slanging match with Martina Navratilova. The latter expressed doubts about the reality of Graf's alleged knee injury: "Steffi could run in the quarter mile at the Olympics. The knee injury is just an excuse ahead of time in case she needs it. If you read the newspapers you'd think she belongs in the hospital. If you look at her today she's running like a gazelle."

Martina later apologised for saying Steffi could run in the quarter mile at the Olympics: "I now learn there is no such event."

Oh all right, the last hit is made up. Martina actually apologised properly for what she said, or at least for "the way it was put".

But look: despite Martina's barbed comment, in sport there is nothing wrong with having "an excuse ahead of time" in case it is needed. Forward planning is as important in this area of sport as any other. As a mediocre tennis player myself, with the plaques to prove it, I am (well) aware of the post match excuse making advantages of a knee support or ankle bandage even when it is redundant.

There is no sadder sight than that of a beaten athlete desperately trying to come up with an off the cuff excuse for failure. Wimbledon has been particularly embarrassing in this area so far.

Hold on. Scenario coming up. Miss Golschenkraft: firstly, may I say how sorry I am at your defeat in the quarter finals of the World Open Excuse Championships. Why do you think your excuses failed you on this occasion?

I suppose I just hadn't prepared properly. Normally, I do at least an hour of warm up excuses, plus 20 minutes of personally designed prevarication exercises. This time, I completely forgot.

I see. Would it be fair to say that you still have not overcome problems in the follow through explanation area?

That's possible. Also, I feel I may be putting a little too much faith in my inventiveness ground strokes.

A number of critics have also drawn attention to a perceived weakness in your forehand pretext area?

Yes, this has been a problem area for some time.

You've acquired a new coach to sort out these difficulties, I understand.

I have the eminent casuist, Antonio Shard, working with me. At the moment, we're setting up a basic programme of quibbling, hedging, pussyfooting and indirect evasion. Later, he is going to help me work on paralogics, sophistry and parrying in the immediate post game situation.

There is a certain lack of consistency in your gloss over technique. Could you comment on this?

Mentally, I am still growing in this area. I need to work on my alibi creation, fault mitigation and the whole area of extenuating circumstances.

You remain confident?

I'm stronger now but I have a long way to go yet. I just need to do what needs to be done. I want to enjoy my excuses and show everyone what I am really capable of I want to do something special, maybe find an entirely new set of excuses and get the best out of myself. I've been a bad season for me but I'm more focused on excuses now, I've got the determination.

Thank you.

By the way, I realise I am easily irritated but the comparison of athletes and particularly tennis to gazelles and cheetahs annoys me. (It may annoy the animals more.) The "speedism" involved is as abhorrent as sexism. Stefi Graf, for example, certainly has long legs, and possibly strong hindquarters too, but does not have partly retractile claws, crisp coarse fur of a sandy yellow colour and numerous black spots all over her body.

It is also a reasonable assumption that Steffi has a gestation period of longer than 95 days.

As for the gazelle comparison, Steffi is certainly alert and attractive but stands considerably more than 60 to 90 cm (two to three feet) at the shoulder.

Meanwhile, I see that after long deliberation Linford Christie has decided to compete at the Olympic Games in Atlanta, not in the Steffi Graf Quarter Mile Memorial event but in just about everything else.

The reasons for his decision have been listed in the papers, and the odd thing is that I (myself) will not be there for precisely the same reasons as Christie will duty to my country, public demand, persuasion from my coach and the temptation of "one last fling" (though no first fling has yet occurred).