The gongs most recipients would rather leave behind than see on their mantelpiece

Gong, gong, gong. Every year at On the Record, just as the festive season goes into high gear, we throw a little bash to name and reward the people and events who made the headlines in our world in the past year.

Yes, we know that every single publication is handing out awards and prizes right about now because it’s what we all do when December beckons and there are pages to fill. But these awards are different. They’re different because these are the awards most of the recipients don’t want to see on their mantelpiece. Here, then, are this year’s winners of OTR’s Gongs of the Year. Big yourselves up.

The Ferrero Rocher Ambassador of the Year Award: Carlos Eugenio Garcia de Alba Zepeda, the Mexican ambassador to Ireland who offered to intervene in the Garth Brooks/ Croke Park fandango. When his excellency was dispatched to Dublin, we are sure he did not foresee getting involved in Stetsongate.

The MAMIL of the Year Gong: Bono. We didn't know the U2 singer was a fully paid- up member of the Middle Aged Men in Lycra community until his unfortunate tumble from his bike in New York's Central Park last month. Get well soon Bono and we'll see you on the N81 out to Blessington in 2015.

The Golden Y-Fronts for Services to the Underwear Industry: Hozier, for his performance at the Victoria Secret's fashion show in London last month.

The Groundhog Day Medal for Doing the Same Thing and Expecting Different Results: The vinyl revival champions. Look, chaps, it's not going to happen no matter how much spin you deploy. The vast majority of music fans are not going back to those big pieces of plastic so hold your whist.

The Live Music Winner of the Year: Kate Bush. She set up shop in a London venue for a few weeks and did things her way. There's a lesson to be learned from that.

The Jolly Good Fellows Smiley Badge of 2014: Future Islands. Rarely have a band gone from underground to overground with such a blast of goodwill from the masses at their back. Sam Herring also gets the Michael Flatley Begorrah Dance Slippers of the Year for those moves.

Promoters of the Year: Marie Croft, Arlie Croft and Thomas Donoghue, the trio behind the Light Colour Sound festival in Kilkenny last summer. Many of the bands who played probably have a better chance of a visit from Santa Claus than getting paid the fees they're still due.

The No Show of the Year: Oxegen. The once mighty festival that ruled Co Kildare disappeared from the listings, despite its website still claiming it was "Europe's greatest music festival".

The No Shows of the Year: Garth Brooks. Yet another dream of doing five in a row at Croke Park turns to dust. The All Show of the Year: U2's spammy Apple experiment. If only they'd spent as much time, effort and expertise on the writing of the songs for the album as opposed to the marketing.

The Neil Diamond Memorial Award for Services to the Irish Radio Advertising Industry: Kanye West, whose Marlay Park gig was a bit of a flop tickets-wise despite radio ads pushing the show morning, noon and night.

Music TV Gold Remote Control of the Year: A Storm in the Heart, Liam McGrath's fantastic documentary on the life of Dolores Keane. Music TV Silver Remote Control of the Year goes to Bressie's Teenage Kicks because he's a dude and the show is really, really good.

The McDonald's Supersize Expansion of the Year: the Electric Picnic for going from 32,500 to 41,000 and making all those extra punters fit into those Stradbally acres with ease.

The OTR Interviewee of the Year Award: Awarded jointly to Bunny Wailer and David Guetta. Never again.