'Mate-ing, not dating'

Most twenty-somethings meet people through mutual friends, writes Rachel Dugan, in a special series which starts today

Twenty-something girl hits trendy city bar on a Saturday night. Girl spots guy across a heaving dance floor. After exchanging some flirty glances and encouraging smiles, boy approaches girl. Girl and boy chat, exchange numbers and later that week meet up for a date. A familiar scene.

Or is it? For many under-30s the idea of scribbling down your phone number for a stranger they meet on a night out is almost risible. They are more willing, and often more likely, to exchange saliva, rather than mobile numbers, with someone they meet in a bar or club.

Aisling Conlon, a 25-year-old marketing executive living in Dublin, has developed an interesting theory to explain this aversion to dating, perhaps gleaned from her college years. While everybody else at university was cocooned in the library, media student Aisling was more likely to be lounging on the sofa, watching episodes of Sex and the City. She was not neglecting her studies, however, but diligently researching her thesis, which focused on the popular American television series.

"It's connected to the idea of the Cinderella complex, which kind of comes from the whole Freud thing," explains Aisling. "You know, that girls are brought up with this fairytale where the girl always marries the guy. But in your early 20s you kind of rebel against it, and you don't do the whole dating thing, and you just want to go out with your mates and have fun."

It is through going out with friends and having fun that twenty-somethings are meeting each other. Partners are sought through their ever-widening circles of mates, mates of mates and cousins of an older sibling of a mate. Twenty-somethings might not be into dating, but they are always up for a bit of "mate-ing".

"Dating has kind of gone out the window," notes Aisling, "and it's more common to make friends first through a mutual friend, and then make a judgment about whether you want to start seeing each other." There are distinct benefits to going on a pseudo-date where there are plenty of friends with you to ease the tension. On the "mate-ing" scene your friends act as your own personal dating service, weeding out unsuitable candidates, presenting you with the pick of their circle.

A few choice whispered comments from a mutual friend arms you with more information about a potential candidate than you could ever hope to glean from a series of awkward dates. David Attenborough-like, twenty-something singletons are aware that observing a creature in its natural environment is much more illuminating than peering through cages at the zoo. If a girl still likes what she sees when a guy is letting loose with his closest friends, knocking back chasers at the bar or demonstrating his prowess on the dance floor, then there is more than a good chance of this close encounter turning into a lasting relationship.

Such a casual approach to finding a partner means that those guys who want to follow a more traditional path out of singledom constantly find themselves coming up against a raised palm, shoved defiantly in their face when they try to ask a girl for a date.

"I have been on dates, but only rarely," says Ronan Stack, a 27-year-old aviation consultant who has only been on five or six dates in the past year, and none of those with Irish girls. So why is a man, who I am reliably informed is the very embodiment of a good catch, unable to coax an Irish girl out on a date?

"Dating doesn't exist in Ireland; if you do ask a girl on a date she thinks you are being strange. If you do go up to a girl, she will usually tell you to go away 'cos she's out with her friends."

So, like many of his friends, Ronan has found that the only way to circumvent the barriers twenty-something women have been busy erecting is to get an introduction through a mate.

"I can't think of any girl I have had a relationship with who I didn't meet through a friend - not one," Ronan says. "These days I tend to meet girls at house parties, where you can hear each other speak and there are none of the time constraints of a nightclub or bar."

Twenty-somethings belong to one of the most technologically savvy generations and are more than happy to choose holidays, clothes, CDs and even careers online, but internet dating is still somewhat stigmatised, something for the older and more socially challenged.

A group of young south-siders last year launched woo.ie, an online dating site that seems to be targeting a much younger demographic than any of its competitors. While the largest percentage of its members fall into the 25-34 category, a surprising 26 per cent are between the ages of 18 and 24 and, according to Fiona O'Riordain, who works with the company's marketing agency, this figure is set to increase.

"As we become more dependent on the internet, online dating will become a routine means of finding a partner," predicts Fiona.

For a generation who have already integrated the internet into almost every crevice of their existence, it is unlikely that online dating will gain in popularity much more than it already has.

Speed dating may be a fad with a little more staying power, as attending an event can be approached as more of a group activity, but, like dating in general, it is far more popular with those in their late 20s and early 30s.

Hugo Redmond runs Speed Dater Ireland, which organises events in some of the bigger Irish cities for a variety of age groups. "The 26-to-38s are the meat and bones of our business," Hugh says. Nights are arranged for the 20-30 age group but the vibe is markedly different. It tends to attract more of a party crowd, who do not seem quite so keen to find a partner, and not as focused as the older groups. They are still great nights though."

Great nights, not great dates, are the priority. Apathy toward dating, whether in its more traditional incarnations or in a modern way, is the curse of the drinking classes.

As they hurtle toward their 30s, a change of attitude is imminent for the young and the dateless. When careers have been established, round-the-world trips completed and enough nights out to pickle their livers have been had, twenty-somethings start to reassess their aversion to dating. Still, for some it comes as a bit of a shock.

Aisling was enjoying a drink in a quiet bar not so long ago when a man approached. "I was kind of shell-shocked when he asked me out," she explains. "We actually went on a proper date, and it was my first one, you know, meeting up and then hoping I would recognise him." Aisling haltingly confides that she is now in the early stages of a relationship with this brave stranger.

Every Cinderella stops rebelling eventually and every Carrie meets her Mr Big. Some are just happy to take the scenic route.

Five reasons not to date

(By a twenty-something cynic)

•Dating is expensive. Obscene amounts of money are wasted on restaurant food you cannot enjoy, because you keep worrying that bits of it will get stuck between your teeth, and alcohol you delicately sip, for fear of getting drunk.

•Dating is awkward and uncomfortable. Rather than easy conversation, there are pauses so long you can nip to the loo between utterances.

•Going on a date means making an effort. From the carefully chosen outfit to the prearranged coded texts you will send when you want that "I have to leave" call.

•Dating reduces the number of nights you can spend out with friends. Weekends are precious, and not to be wasted in the company of random strangers.

•Dating is desperate. A dater has admitted defeat and conceded that they have failed to attract a mate through the regular channels.