THE Progressive Democrats' leader, Mary Harney, has been telling us that the electorate is "naturally concerned" that the Presidency may relapse into a party political retirement post.

It is always enlightening for the electorate, all 2.5 million or so of us, to be told what our concerns are at any given time. Politicians by definition are privileged with instant understanding of these concerns and are very decent about airing them.

Anyway, Mary says: "We do not need what has been light heartedly referred to as a Val Doonican Presidency - in which rockers, carpet slippers, cardigans, log fires and golf games are the public image of the job."

Unfortunately I cannot agree. Such a Presidency is exactly what we need. It is surely obvious that as a nation we are racing headlong into moral oblivion. Enough is enough. It is still not to late to rein in the forces of liberalism and once again reassert our ancient Gaelic values.

As the newly appointed campaign manager for the Val Doonican Presidency bid, I obviously have an interest. I hope Mary Harney will continue to take it light heartedly when our campaign picks up a bit more steam, as it certainly will.

My appointment came out of the blue. I was down in a pub in Mooncoin at the time, in the Val Doonican heartland, when I got the idea of opening a book on the crooner's chances for the Park, and attracted a couple of hundred punters in no time at all. Cheltenham was a major distraction on the day, especially when Mr Mulligan was jumping the final fence, but the next thing I knew, Val himself was on the phone and I was in business.

Already we are well on our way to getting the 20,000 backers that Mary Harney suggests should allow ratification for a Presidential candidate.

Meanwhile an old bookmaking acquaintance of mine, Freddie C., already has the Charlie Landsborough Presidency campaign up and running. He claims he is way ahead of the "Aran geansai" crowd, his insulting reference to Val's followers and myself. Charlie is a decent man of course but Freddie is a fairly crude item, if colourful. He dropped Foster and Allen as his first choice for the (joint) Presidency and they are not over it yet. Freddie's idea was that when they were traipsing around world capitals one of them could fit in the musical gigs and the other the political stuff, but they couldn't agree on who would do what.

I see it all ending in tears, though knowing Charlie he will at least get a couple of heart rending ballads out of the experience, which should console him for becoming a historical footnote where the Presidency is concerned.

Anyway, I am in regular touch with Val by phone - no more than myself he hasn't meas madra on the Internet ("only an oul fad") - and things are moving along nicely. Val is very excited about the whole thing and only wants to know if he will able to carry on singing the odd song and making the occasional chat show appearance. As he says himself, a world stage holds no terrors for him after all the stages he has been on (never mind the ones he has gone through). "Walk Tall" will be our anthem and Val is the man to live up to it.

I have assured him there will be no problem regarding the musical career but I will have to check the constitutional position, and of course keep in with the Government, and maybe the next one, who give the green light or otherwise in the more delicate situations.

Val is delighted with the little tokens of carpet slippers and pipes and cardigans already arriving at the tasteful bungalow over near Dungarvan. Meanwhile he is working on what he calls "the speechifying" ahead of the campaign proper: I have insisted he keep his attractive Waterford burr because he went off briefly at a mad tangent, affecting a Donnybrook drawl in the foolish belief it would help him gain votes. I had to move fairly quickly there. He has a lovely way of saying "moral vacuum" but on the other hand I have warned him that if he ever uses the word "empower" he is on his own.

Val is also working up a few sound bites and is fond of quoting the late Timothy Leary: "Senility is wasted on the old for me it's a thrilling adventure.

This is a great line but I might attribute it elsewhere if the media get too inquisitive, because the ordinary Irish punter may not know that Leary was the famous American LSD guru and drop out, and in his own words married "five and a quarter times". Our Presidency campaign is not entirely opposed to a modern Ireland but unlike some, we know where to draw the line. {CORRECTION} 97031400042