How to make a horlicks out of sexy pensions

PENSIONS ARE suddenly sexy. That is the sort of thing we journalists say when trying to attract attention to a topic hitherto considered dreary beyond belief. With luck, the assertion will make the headline, thus giving an assurance that at least the first paragraphs will be read.

That is one of the ways in which we in the media build up reader excitement.

But enough of giving away trade secrets.

Pensions are suddenly sexy because of the furore over Ms Nicola Horlick, the City pension funds manager suspended from her £1 million p.a. job with Morgan Grenfell Asset Management, where she was responsible for investments totalling billions and billions of pounds.

I could easily find out exactly how many billions were involved, but a definite number would not have the same impact as unspecified "billions and billions."

This is called "building up" a story. In essence it allows the reader to use his or her imagination, instead of dulling the story with facts.

Ms Horlick is 35, of striking appearance, and the mother of five children. When the story broke, she immediately attempted to take out an injunction (conjoined with Ms Shirley Conran) against the media use of the term superwoman, but was too late.

We media folk can move quickly when necessary.

We had to move even more quickly to keep up with Ms Horlick as she raced from home to her City office, and thence to Heathrow, and from there to Frankfurt, demanding from her superiors that she be reinstated in her job.

The media feeding frenzy has now subsided. We have other fish to fry - or eat, I suppose, if we are not to mix our metaphors.

Never mind all that, what about pensions?

What about them?

How soon should one start planning a pension?

Preferably somewhere between the crawling stage and the onset of puberty. Pension advisers become very depressed if the investment is left any later.

Should people worry if they haven't got pension plans?

Worrying about a pension is counter productive as worry brings on stress, stress causes heart attacks and heart attacks kill. When you are dead a pension becomes strangely irrelevant. However, those who worry most about pensions are the people who sell them, especially when they are not selling them fast enough. There is great comfort in this for people who haven't got pensions.

If I decide to get a pension should I go extra flexible, personally tailored product?

You should go about buying a pension plan as you would approach the business of buying a new suit. If you are old enough to worry about pensions, you would hardly get your new gear in Makullas, or Champion Sports now would you? My advice is to go for a good solid off the peg pension, double vented, with a spare pair of trousers. Even with minimal care it should last for years. I recommend Clerys or Arnotts, both of which have shown excellent fund performance over the years.

Does a competitive return mean you can bring your pension back and exchange it if it's not suitable?

Not unless you bought it at Marks and Spencer.

Why is it that pensions advertising always features happy smiling couples in late age, usually in garden settings?

These people are smiling because they have no children left to support and can't believe how well off they now are. Few of them need pensions at all. The popular garden setting is meant to signify a dignified retirement with a sedate occupation, even though the wife may well have discovered whitewater rafting and the husband has a new career as an arms dealer.

On the other hand, one also sees images of middle aged couples cycling into the sunset.

Yes, the pensions business is very keen on such imagery. The sunset symbolises a happy death, at which the cyclists will arrive positively glowing with health, and make the actuary's day, provided they are not over 75.

AIB is currently running a pensions ad featuring a bungee jumper, with the line "Are you ready jar the big drop?" The ad then states that one's income could fall dramatically on retirement.

Yes, banks enjoy making statements, especially statements of the obvious. However, the bungee jumper as an image may be ill chosen, as he certainly experiences a drop, but then enjoys a controlled descent in a series of falls, so that the element of risk is minimal. This is hardly the image the pensions industry would wish to promote.

Pensions managers and agents like to describe pension purchasing as "planning for the rest of your life. "Is that accurate?

Well, it's really their lives you are planning for, so you should buy the biggest pension plan you can afford, or even can't, and assure these people the most comfortable lives possible. {CORRECTION} 97012200045