THOSE aristocratic marriages, they ain't what they used to be - at least in Ireland.

That was the message, anyway, of Relative Values (BBC Radio 4, Tuesday), in which presenter Michael O'Donnell set the scene at Westport House, Co Mayo, with a bit of Oirishry - "The west of Ireland, where the inevitable rarely happens" etc. etc. - then stepped back to let us enjoy the history and dynamics of the Browne family, where dad Jeremy has five daughters to contend with. (They are no relation to this column, so far as I know - Mr Browne of Mayo has five other titles from which to choose, and is in the unique position of being able to sign his name "Sligo"; come to think of it though, I have also failed to produce a male heir. Hmmm.)

Before turning to the question of what happens to Westport House Country Estate and all those nice names in the absence of "male issue", the programme let us in on the Brownes' table talk - where, O'Donnell helpfully informed us, the new English son in law struggles to keep up with the pace and wit of Irish conversation. When he gets beyond his monosyllabic words in edgeways, young Alan turns out to have a broad Gloucester accent.

He tells us how he resisted the advances of the brash, loud Irish bar manager at his local for most of a year; he even stopped going into the pub - The Ship to avoid her clapping those eyes on him again. But Lady Lucinda (aka "Lukie") is nothing if not persistent, and before long they were hiring a coach to bring his family and mates out to Westport for a right old wedding hooley.

Would Alan and his bride now come to live and work on his father in law's estate? Lukie wouldn't mind, but Alan is fond of his position as a motor mechanic and unconvinced of the opportunities in Ireland: "They haven't got much of anything round here really, have they except Guinness and good times..."

Lady Karen had less trouble with Keith. She met her groom to be at a disco in Cambridgeshire, where she was doing her nurse's training. He was an assistant manager at Tesco's, but was willing on their marriage to turn his ad ministrative skills to the modest children's zoo at the highly developed leisure facility that is Westport House.

Everyone was remarkable honest about the strains in this family's matrix of cross cultural relationships, and the extended family proved to be a fairly likeable bunch. However, Jeremy's awkward position with his sons in law is nothing compared to the predicament he has faced in his effort to ensure that one or more of his daughters can inherit the 400 acre estate - even though he can do nothing about the titles.

In a complex set of circumstances, the estate's status has been entangled by the terms of a trust established some 40 years ago. The current Marquess of Sligo's problem was that in spite of advancing years and a houseful of girls, he had no way of proving that he wouldn't some day have a son - making a mess of any revision in the trust.

The question was still hanging over his head, as it were, when a local solicitor suggested he try to get specific legislation through the Dail to sort out the situation. (Rarely has the term "Private Member's Bill" been more apt.) So this comedy of marriages, manners and antiquated titles bad a happy ending.

This column found itself relocated to California for most of the last week. Local talk radio dominates southern California's medium wave dial, in English and Spanish. Someone should tell RTE that while it embraces Music Lite for its daytime schedule, the media capital of the world is turning away from it.

The politics dominated phone ins were full of the Democratic convention. Or, more accurately, full of abusive comments about the Democratic convention, since the right wig hosts seem to ensure that dissenting views are screened out.

Rush Limbaugh heaped praise on his zealous callers, but in all honesty he seems to be flailing around for a stick with which to beat the hated Clintons. The Dick Morris scandal never seemed to pick up much momentum, partly because the right approved of Morris's beat on the brats "family values message and gets little mileage out of mere hypocrisy. Similarly, Limbaugh hopes Clinton's embrace of vicious "welfare reform" will make the Democrats self destruct, but he wholly favours its content.

A more telling message was coming from Marilyn Kagan's late night "relationships" phone in on local station KFI. A Catholic man in love with a Muslim woman wanted Marilyn's advice; the latter made him put the girlfriend on the line, then put it to her: "Love does not conquer all. Your religion and your family are, rightly, too important to you. These are not the sort of differences that can be overcome. Then, as the sobs from Nadia came down the phone line, this real life Frasier finished: "I think you know what you have to do."

What would she have said to Alan and Lukie?