The first law of advertising aimed at senior managers and business executives seems to be: flattery gets you everywhere. The appeal to, and stoking of, feelings of vanity, exclusivity, power and brilliance is all-pervasive.
Given that we never know which 50 per cent of advertising works, advertisers seem to put an each-way bet on flattery.
A glance through the Economist throws up ads asking "How competitive is your world? The global market is a fierce arena. . ." So, primordial gladiator of the savage marketplace, this is for you: Chubb insurance.
Even the serious Foreign Affairs journal invites new subscribers to say, "Yes! I would like to join the distinguished community of FOREIGN AFFAIRS subscribers." Distinguished? Community? For a mere $44? It's a deal!
Can you imagine an ad aimed at the prototype crisp, preening, salon-tanned, white-toothed executive (of either sex) which appealed to feelings of inadequacy, self-doubt, embarrassment and fear? No? Well, one crossed my desk the other day.
"Keye Productivity Centre presents How To Be a `HARDAS-NAILS' Negotiator." The one-day seminar is in Dublin on March 9th.
"Aren't you tired of getting the short end of the stick in negotiations?" the Keye brochure asks. "Hmm," mumbles privately every inadequate, self-doubting, insecure, spotty, yellow-toothed, pasty-faced fraud of an executive. "That's me."
Read on, for Keye's story of an anonymous ex-wimp for whom the seminar was "unbeatable". "After bargaining, I was often frustrated, angry and depressed all at the same time, because I rarely seemed to get what I wanted. Meeting with Julia, the purchasing manager, is something I never looked forward to. I went into her office with hopes of getting five new desks, but left with a requisition for only three." Awwww. Poor anonymous wimp.
Wimp then "asked Julia's colleagues how she learned to be such a tough negotiator. They said that she hadn't always been a negotiation professional. She had learned her hardball techniques from Keye Productivity Centre". You too can be like Julia. Keye will show you how not to give in until you want to. Since negotiation is basically combat to the death, you will, on March 9th between 9.30 a.m. and 4.30 p.m. (for a mere £140) learn about "assembling an arsenal of negotiating skills", "plotting a plan of attack", "deploying your tough techniques" and "forcing your opponent to surrender".
Imagine, learning how to "Create a stockpile of secret weapons". No decommissioning there.
See how to "Master the subtle art of intimidation", but "when dealing with an intimidator, using `The Madman's Advantage' to give you the upper hand". Learn "How to get an attitude", show false anger and other "first strikes" that will leave your opponent's defences wide open. Sound familiar? What about, "How to offer a concession you don't care about and make it look like a big deal?"
In awe at the professionals, you can learn "How to `ambush', use smoke screens and other tactics". Guerilla tactics, presumably.
And finally, in case you were worried, you'll find out "How to get everything you want and. . ." wait for it, ". . . make your opponent feel like they have won too." Your opponent, whom you have intimidated, sweet talked and ambushed, crumpled and demoralised, the wimpy opponent will still feel like a winner.
But what about Julia? Didn't she make our anonymous wimp feel miserable? Just a weeny, little flaw in the story, Keye people.
More likely, as we speak, there are hundreds of trembling Irish executives bashfully negotiating requisition cheques from their hard-as-nails bosses to attend the negotiation course. If you believe the brochure, the Bank of England, the BBC, BP Oil, Digital Equipment, Procter & Gamble, Budget Rent-aCar and a host of others have sent delegates to seminars run by hard-as-nails, hard-necked Keye. If this is the alternative, I'll settle for flattery any day.
Oliver O'Connor is an investment funds specialist.
