Wild buffalo strikes back at management consultants

THIS STORY is about a terrifying encounter between one of the world’s most senior management consultants and one of the world’s scariest wild animals.

The action began a couple of weeks ago when several hundred partners at Bain headed off on a “leadership quest” to India, led by the firm’s new boss, Bob Bechek. Quests, as we know, are perfectly normal for Bain chiefs: Mitt Romney, who used to run the firm, is on one to become president of the US.

Yet Mr Bechek’s quest is even more ambitious in that it aims to get a whole load of clean-cut consultants to understand India.

Thus the entire top brass of the firm came to be assembled in New Delhi, from where they broke into little groups. Mr Bechek and a couple of others went traipsing out into the middle of nowhere and, just as they were inspecting this corner of Britain’s former empire, the empire struck back. Or rather, a wild buffalo struck back.

The large creature took exception to the sight of the management consultants: it lowered its horns and charged at the woman in the group. Mr Bechek and the others managed to distract the animal and the woman got away with a few stitches, but the whole thing could have been a lot nastier.

This is not the first time I have reported on a dangerous wild creature attacking western corporate titans who stray into alien territory. Six years ago I wrote about a similar story; the only difference was that I made it up that time.

I had decided to make Martin Lukes, the fictitious executive who used to write a column in the FT, lead a group to Svalbard to inspect the melting ice cap. Once there, Lukes took his colleague Cindy Czarnikow out in a sledge. All went well until a polar bear showed an interest in Cindy and Martin shot the creature, subsequently putting out a press release congratulating himself on his bravery.

There are a couple of minor differences between the two stories. The buffalo, as far as I know, still lives, and Bain made no press announcement: indeed, I suspect it was rather hoping to keep buffalogate to itself. Only when I asked the company point-blank did it confirm that a woman partner had been attacked. A spokeswoman told me by email: “Everyone at Bain is glad that the injured partner is recovering quickly and thankful to Bob and others for their quick action in minimising further injuries.”

Though the episode was clearly hideous for the woman concerned, it raises some deep questions about the nature of consultancy.

The first is about the hubris in thinking that letting a few top consultants loose in rural India is going to make any difference to anything – apart from their life expectancy.

The incident also makes one wonder what it was about the consultants that attracted the buffalo’s attention. I’ve thought about this a lot and suspect the beast saw Bain as a sort of competitor. There are, after all, many similarities between the two groups. First, both buffaloes and consultants charge a lot (though mercifully this buffalo stopped short of an arm and a leg).

Second, both are happier in large groups: the number of Bain partners gathered in Delhi is about the same as a typical buffalo herd.

Third, consultants, like buffaloes, aren’t very good at listening and seeing. Fourth, they spend most of their days ruminating. And finally, like the wild beasts, they feed on whatever they can get their teeth into, sometimes doing considerable damage.

But more than any of that, the story of Bain and the buffalo makes one question the wisdom of business travel more than ever. Jetting around the world for work has always been damaging for your health. It makes you fat and sedentary, is bad for blood pressure, sleep patterns and marriages.

But this story shows that such mundane effects are just a beginning: travelling for work can hurt you in more exotic ways too. Only days before hearing about the goring incident I read another tale about the strange perils to health from business travel.

In Australia, a woman was having sex in a hotel room during a business trip and got injured when the glass light fitting over her head fell on her. A court has decided it was all in the course of her job, and she has been awarded damages.

Did I make that story up too? This is a funny world where there is no difference between truth and fiction. I leave it to you to judge. – (Copyright The Financial Times Limited 2012)