ZZ's tops in Dunphy's Euro dreamland

TV View: Pedro Alvares Cabral, the BBC's Hazel Irvine explained on Saturday, was a Portuguese explorer who was dispatched in 1500 by King Manuel on an expedition to India, but ended up in Brazil. And they say women can't read maps?

The King wasn't impressed by Pedro's inability to distinguish his east from his west, until he woke up, smelt the duty-free coffee Pedro had brought back from his travels and watched a video of the Brazilian natives playing keepie-uppie with a strange spherical object on the beaches of Rio. And with that Portuguese football was born. Well, kind of.

It was fitting, then, that Saturday's Euro 2004 opening ceremony was a bit of a tribute to Pedro and the other Portuguese explorers, lads who left their home shores to make their names - like Figo, like Rui Costa, like Vasco da Gama (who discovered a sea route to India while very probably looking for Brazil).

Big fish, a big boat, anchors, balloons, children, compasses and men in orange, clingy body-suits.

"Incredible scenes, aren't they?" said Ray Houghton to Darragh Maloney, "today's been absolutely terrific." Over on the BBC Mark Lawrenson was very nearly as enthusiastic. "Not bad," he said to Barry Davies, "actually, I thought it was very, very good." If Houghton and Lawrenson aren't careful they'll end up on the Late Review reviewing installation art with Tom Paulin and Eko Eshun.

Match time. "I would expect Portugal to win this game," said Eamon Dunphy, "and I think they might win it comfortably . . . I don't think the Greeks will be able to deal with them." You'll struggle to believe this, but Liam Brady disagreed. "Greece just might cause an upset," he said.

And would you credit it: Greece caused an upset. Indeed, based on the evidence of the game you could draw an analogy between Pedro Alvares Cabral and Cristiano Ronaldo. One looks for India and finds Brazil; the other looks for Pauleta's forehead and finds the ice-cream seller in row 274 of the south stand of the Estadio do Dragao.

"Deplorable," said Dunphy of Ronaldo's crossing. Alan Hansen was kinder. He just said it was "abysmal".

Spain v Russia. Deadlock. Until Spain brought on two subs, Valeron and Alonso. Johnny Giles couldn't make any sense of the Spanish manager's thinking at all, at all. He was still complaining vociferously ("Valeron isn't a striker!") when Valeron scored with his first touch of the game. Giles, in fairness, giggled. "He's a genius, that manager," he conceded.

Switzerland v Croatia. Stephen Cullinane was joined by Kevin Sheedy and his lovely left foot in the TV3 studio; Gary Lineker was joined by Gordon Strachan, Alan Hansen and Peter Reid.

"A player you've seen?" Lineker asked Strachan of Switzerland's Hakan Yakin.

"No," said Gordon, and that's as chatty as he got.

"Like all good strikers he runs forward," said Sheedy of Croatia's Dado Prso.

Prediction time. "I can't see it being a 0-0er," said Sheedy. Full-time: a 0-0er.

"Switzerland barely got out of neutral," said Lineker, "but nothing new there." Boom boom. "A bad match, two bad teams, a bad referee, nothing to shout about, very little to talk about," Hansen enthused.

England v France. "The Beckham thing is now a monster, it's embarrassing for everyone, the nightmare scenario for me is that England win 1-0, Beckham plays great, and scores the winner from 30 yards with a bender, it's the nightmare for the world, because if that happens it means that all the things that we believe in in sport are wrong . . . if that happens I'm going to bed for a week." No, no, no: not Denis Irwin - yer man: Dunphy.

"Prediction?" asked Bill O'Herlihy.

"France, please God," said Dunphy.

Sol Campbell and Ledley King. Clive Tyldesley and Bobby Robson. How would the new pairings survive such a daunting test? The first two did fine. The second? Well.

"You had a chance to walk on the pitch before the start, what did you make of the surface?" Clive asked.

"It's absolutely magnificent," said Bobby, "I am important to Newcastle United." What?

Ninety minutes later. It's 1-0 to England. France get a free kick at the edge of the box. "How's your heart rate, Robert?" Clive asks Bobby. "Not too great at the minute," he says, "but I'll survive. As long as we don't succeed I think we'll hold out."

Ten seconds later. ZZ. Bobby? You okay? Bobby?

Sixty second later. Bobby: "The important thing is we mustn't lose this game . . . oooooooooh . . . I can't believe it, I can't believe it." Penalty. ZZ. Bobby?

The world, according to Eamon, slept soundly last night.