World Cup countdown

Frankly, any Irish World Cup tune that features the line "It won't be Deutschland, Deutschland über alles, thanks to Clinton Morrison and Crystal Palace" is alright by us.

Get thee to a record store and invest your cash in The Studs' (think Undertones crossed with Zidane) quite glorious three-song CD - We Won't Win the World Cup ("We won't win the World Cup - ah, you never know"), Mick McCarthyism ("America was messed around by McCarthyism, but our McCarthy, he's not about communism, he's all about

Songs of praise: Studs get stuck in

Name games: Olive Beer-Hope would smell as sweet

Possessing only two words of German ("Gerd" and "Muller"), we have no option but to use our not entirely dependable Internet translator to help us with German newspaper reports on their World Cup build-up. In the last week alone these translated reports have told us that, if fit, Christian Goat, More Olive Punt, Thomas's Left One, Bernd Cutter and More Olive Beer-Hope are likely starters for Germany in Japan/Korea - non-household names that would hardly strike fear into the heart of Michael McCarthy.

When we reverted to German, however, these players sounded a touch more intimidating: Christian Ziege, Oliver Khan, Thomas Linke, Bernd Schneider and Oliver Bierhoff. But, we wondered, why was a bloke by the name of Franz Basin-Farmer always being asked for his view on German team matters? Until we translated his name back in to German . . . Beckenbauer. Never heard of him.

Quotes of the week

"Zidane is nothing special, he is just another citizen." - As if proof were needed that Jean-Marie Le Pen is from une autre planet, he believes that Zidane is a mere mortal. Mad in the head, or fou in the tete, as they say in France.

"In a way it is like preparing for an earthquake, or any other natural disaster." - Hiroshi Nakada, the mayor of Yokohama (where Ireland play Saudi Arabia on June 11th), looking forward to the influx of western football hooligans this summer.

Squadwatch: Republic of Ireland

Mark Kennedy (Wolves): After being ruled out of the first leg of the promotion play-off against Norwich last Sunday, after suffering a reaction to the groin injury that has plagued him recently, Kennedy came on at half-time in the second leg on Wednesday night (when Wolves were knocked out of the play-offs). Mick McCarthy says he will give Kennedy until Niall Quinn's testimonial on May 14th to prove his fitness for the World Cup.

Gary Kelly and Ian Harte (Leeds): Uncle and nephew both admitted this week that there's more than a reasonable chance that they'll be leaving Elland Road come summer. "Playing in the World Cup means you are in the shop window and that has to be on your mind, we'll have to see what happens," said Kelly.

Kevin Kilbane (Sunderland): Ever-growing rumours abound that Kilbane will be Graham Taylor's first signing of note at Aston Villa.

Steve Finnan (Fulham): If the cross-channel transfer tittle-tattle is anything to go by Arsenal will compete with Manchester United for Finnan's signature this summer.

Clinton Morrison (Crystal Palace): Speaking of transfer gossip - word has it that Palace have already turned down a £5 million bid from Southampton for Morrison, with Birmingham, Spurs and Sunderland also making discreet enquiries.