Shooting from hip

Mary Hannigan's Planet Football: There is, it seems, rarely a dull moment with Dmitry Piterman, the Ukranian-born owner of Spanish club Alaves.

It's barely two months since he accused Real Madrid's Brazilians of lacking "education and mental development" following their 'cockroach' goal celebration, an insult that drew this reply from Ronaldo: "I've seen Piterman pictured naked on the cover of a weekly magazine in Spain, so he should not give people lessons about how to behave."

Yes, 'tis true, Piterman got his kit off for the magazine Interviu. And he's in the news again, this time for attacking reporters who cover events at his club. Irked by their "lies, speculation, rumours, predictions of relegation, and constant criticisms of the coach, players and tactics", he has accused the hacks of supporting other clubs, so much so he's now insisting that they become club members if they want access to his players.

"My theory is they are frustrated by their lack of professionalism and their inability to offer anything of journalistic quality to society," he said. "I am sure they are frustrated by their low wages in comparison to those earned by the players. Not only are they unhappy financially and professionally, but some are frustrated by their physical appearance. Some could even be mentally unbalanced which may explain why they are so aggressive towards the club."

Hard to argue, really.

Piterman's finest hour, though, came when, on becoming president of the club, he appointed himself as coach of Racing Santander, when all his CV boasted was a spell as a handy triple-jumper in his student days at Berkeley. The Spanish federation banned him from sitting on the bench because he didn't have the required coaching qualifications so he tried to sign up as a photographer, so he could shout instructions from the sidelines.

When that didn't work he made himself club kitman, so he could sit on the bench.

Didn't work either.

"It's crazy," he said, "any old idiot can run a country, but you need a piece of paper to sit on the bench".

Fair point.

Quotes of the Week 1

"I think football fans are like disgruntled dockers, stevedores, union members, particularly people in Africa who are underprivileged. When things go wrong hordes of them, thousands of them, are disgruntled and unhappy with who they perceive to be the leader or leaders."

- Peter de Savary warms himself to the New Den faithful as he takes over as Millwall chairman

"After his first training session in heaven, George Best, from his favourite right wing, turned the head of God who was filling in at left back. I would love him to save me a place in his team, George Best that is, not God."

- Eric Cantona, canvassing for a place on the Heavenly XI.

"The way we played left me feeling humiliated and embarrassed. . . it was more painful to lose against Doncaster Rovers than having my neck broken, which I spent 17 days in the Priory hospital with. It was the worst performance for years."

- Aston Villa chairman Doug Ellis, taking that Doncaster defeat quite well.

"I've been given so many cards it feels like Christmas."

- Spurs' Edgar Davids, after picking up his seventh booking in 11 games.

"My offer might sound daft, but who would have thought Paul Gascoigne would become the Kettering manager?"

- John Reed , manager of non-league Stalybridge Celtic, after offering Roy Keane his job.

Get her out of there

Not that you need to be reminded, but last week we told you that Harry Kewell's wife, actress Sheree Murphy, was making life at Liverpool a little tricky for him by telling her jungle mates, and the viewing public, on ITV's, I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here, that he dreamt of leaving Anfield "to play in Europe - Italy or Spain".

Harry, of course, had to issue a statement denying this was true. We half guessed that Harry might get ITV to pass on a message to his jungle-bound wife during the week, something along the lines of "you are making life tremendously difficult for me, please shut up".

We're now fully guessing that the message didn't get through. After revealing that she regularly treats Harry to facials, just to keep his skin tender, Sheree declared: "I'm worried about my stretch marks - Harry already has them on his bum and on his hips."

Oh Lord.

Quotes of the Week 2

"Palace's liberty culture before I took over and just after was almost mesmerising. One player nicked the club's training kit and sold it on. . . a married player on £6,000 a week put his extra-marital condoms on club expenses."

- Crystal Palace chairman Simon Jordan. You couldn't make it. . . up.

"I'm not worried about it at all. I feel all right. It is a hereditary condition and I have had it for some time."

- Wycombe manager John Gorman after being advised to see a heart specialist with an hereditary condition he's, eh, had for a bit.

"I might be the only one who's not been tapped up, which is a bit worrying considering there are only 92 league managers."

- Mick McCarthy, aggrieved that he's the only manager in England not contacted by Portsmouth in the last week.

"If I had to watch the World Cup on the TV I think I'd hang myself."

- Jermain Defoe, obviously not a fan of Andy Townsend and Ally McCoist

"The style of play is stereotypical and based on route one football. You have to give 200 per cent all the time. The physical rhythm is sustained and we have lots of players out injured - especially the French ones. During the pre-season I also tore my abductor muscle and had a bad relapse."

- Rangers' Brahim Hemdani, enjoying the je ne sais quoi of life in Scottish football.

Sorry doesn't cut it

Since making a bit of a howler in the crucial game between Internacional and Corinthians, when he failed to spot a blindingly obvious penalty, Brazilian referee Marcio Resende de Freitas has been a little down in the dumps. "I made a mistake and I apologise," he said. "I slept very badly. In fact, I didn't sleep. When I make this sort of mistake, I feel ill. I get really irritated and not even my wife can stand me."

Our hearts went out to the fella and we hoped he'd get a little compassion from fellow Brazilian football folk. Over to you Francisco Lopes, vice president of Santos.

"He's a vagabond, a thief, a no-good. All he does is screw up the big games. He's nothing more than one of those involved in the rotten mafia that is the CBF (Brazilian FA)." No sleep for Marcio tonight.