PLANET SOCCER

The footballing quotes of the 2007/2008 season, compiled by MARY HANNIGAN.

Ah, bless 

"HAD I not become a footballer I think I would have been a virgin."

- Peter Crouch half suspecting it's not his looks that make him a babe magnet.

Honourable mention: "I'm about as fast as me Nana."

- Robbie Fowler on being asked if he'd inject a touch of pace into the Cardiff City attack.

Meddling mammies

"Real Madrid are my favourite team, they are the best club in the world . . . I would not like to die without seeing my son playing there, then I could go knowing that my dream was fulfilled."

- Dolores Aveiro, Cristiano Ronaldo's Ma.

Honourable mention: "He was always a mummy's boy, being a single child. He is tender like a mimosa flower."

- Evelina Capello somewhat thwarting her young fella Fabio's attempts to look like a hard man.

Figures of fun

Eamon Dunphy: "Look at Graeme, he won four Champions Leagues!"

Graeme Souness: "Three."

Dunphy: "He won four league titles!"

Souness: "Five."

Dunphy: "It's not bloody Mastermind!"

Honourable mention: TalkSport Caller: "First of all, can you wish me a happy 40th birthday?"

Ian Wright: "And how old are you?"

Well said

"It's like going from Captain Mainwaring to Field Marshal Montgomery."

- Mark Perryman (England Supporters Group) says cheerio to Steve McClaren and ciao to Fabio Capello.

Honourable mention: "Rafa Benitez is taking pity on Newcastle - he's bringing on Dirk Kuyt."

- Sky Sports' Matt Le Tissier.

Bluntest tool in the shed

"He rang me last week and asked me, 'how do I cook Super Noodles?' I couldn't believe it - especially as it says 'boil for two minutes' on the front of the packet."

- Cheryl Cole on Ashley's culinary shortcomings.

Honourable mention: "Lee (Wallace) was asked by the BBC if the yellow card was rescinded. 'Naw,'he replied, 'it's been taken away'."

- Hearts coach Stevie Frail. Wallace still doesn't know what Frail found so funny.

Gutted, obviously

"It was a horrible, horrible debut . . . I was devastated . . . it was a long weekend for me. I couldn't even say I could take the dog out for a walk because I haven't got a dog."

- Andy Cole, with no one to take for a walk but himself after Sunderland's 7-1 loss at Everton.

Honourable mention: "When I held Mourinho in my arms I couldn't hold back my tears - it was too much."

- Mills and Boon author Didier Drogba on the moment he bid adieu to Jose.

Basement blues

"I've got more points on my licence. I'm not joking."

- Paul Jewell on Derby's nigh on pointless Premier League campaign.

Honourable Mention: "You s***s have no testicles! You s**t yourselves at the Bernabeu! You're pathetic, lazy - you aren't even close to being good players! You're wimps and morons! Don't you want to save yourselves?"

- Javier Clemente trying to instill some confidence in to his relegation-threatened Real Murcia players.

Waddle twaddle

Chris Waddle: "I would like to see Bentley brought on for the last 20 minutes."

Mike Ingham: "Twelve minutes left here at Wembley."

Honourable mention: "A tremendous free kick! It probably would have gone in if he had put it where he intended to put it."

- Stan Collymore.

Straight answers

"They're s**t."

- Roque Junior's in-depth explanation for why he walked out on struggling Bundesliga club Duisburg.

Honourable mention: "Porn and alcohol, man."

- FC Union Berlin's Nico Patschinski response when asked what he planned to do in his retirement.

Unravelling Merse code

The big oxygen thing is out for Benni McCarthy . . . he's got a lot of medical round him."

- Paul Merson, Sky Sport's medical correspondent.

Honourable mention: "They haven't got that player around the box with a bit of guile who can open a can of worms."

- He's a legend, that man. He didn't even sue his employers when a caller to You're On Sky Sports described him as a "degenerate crackhead".

Crimson  cheeks

Adrian Chiles: "Do you miss being a manager?"

Neil Warnock: "I don't miss that nut-wrenching feeling you get on a Saturday morning before a match."

Chiles: "Don't you mean 'gut-wrenching'?"

Warnock: "Eh, yes."

Honourable mention: "I heard a snap! I heard a snap!"

- MK Dons defender Gareth Edds dropping to the ground in horror - it was, in fact, his shin-pad that had snapped, not his leg.

The experts

"Any team can beat any other in this league and just to prove it there were seven draws yesterday."

- Sky Sports' Don Goodman, a Merse in the making, perhaps?

Honourable mention: "Steven Gerrard is one of only a few Liverpool players who never get left out by Rafa. And even he doesn't always get picked."

- David Pleat.