Planet Football ... compiled by Mary Hannigan

Robbie Keane, Gary Kelly, Richard Dunne and Gary Doherty can't get in to their club's starting line-ups. Colin Healy, Lee Carsley and Stephen McPhail can't even get on the bench. Kevin Kilbane and Jeff Kenna were dropped by their managers on Saturday. Andy O'Brien, Steve Carr, Clinton Morrison, Steven Reid, Richard Sadlier and David Connolly are all still dogged by injuries, and Gary Breen's debut for West Ham, when he came on a sub against Arsenal, is one he will want to swiftly erase from the memory ba

Away from home

One of the few contenders for a place in the Republic's squad for the game against Russia next month to have an encouraging start to the season is John O'Shea, whose performance for Manchester United against Chelsea on Friday night earned him the man-of-the-match award. Should he lose his place to the near-fit-again Rio Ferdinand this week O'Shea will be entitled to look Laurent Blanc in the eye and ask "why me?".

Highest "Irish player count" of the season so far was in Saturday's game between Carlisle and Bristol Rovers - Carlisle had eight Irish players in their squad, Rovers had three. One of the 11, Brian Shelley (nickname: Shrek - don't ask us), is, by all accounts, a bright lad - perhaps that explains why website Soccernet has insisted in calling him "Brain Shelley" ever since he signed for Roddy Collins' crowd.

Courting disaster

Since joining Newcastle from Wimbledon two summers ago for £7 million very little has gone right for Carl Cort, not least because he's been injured for most of that time. Now? According to the London Evening Standard things have gone from bad to worse: Cort and his wife have been banned from their local Tesco store in Newcastle following a "trolley rage incident ". Northumbria police warned the couple about abusive language while a customer reported that: "Cort's wife was shouting 'Don't you know who I am?'" It's a question that Carl has probably often wanted to ask Bobby Robson, ever since Newcastle's England under-21 forward Shola Ameobi revealed last season that Robson consistently calls him "Carl", and Cort "Shola".

Tasty stuff by Morris

With Steve Carr back on the sick list, Steve Finnan still troubled by an ankle injury and Gary Kelly confined to the subs' bench at Leeds, Mick McCarthy may be in need of an experienced right back, currently playing first team football, for the trip to Moscow next month. We reckon we've found just the man - Chris Morris. Remember him? In one of the summer's best-kept transfer secrets Morris, who won 35 caps for the Republic, joined Cornish champions Saint Blazey of the South Western League after returning to his native Newquay to work in the family's butchery business. Morris, 38, has had a decent start to the season, no doubt fuelled by the finest Cornish Pasties in, well, Cornwall - as made by Peter Morris Butchers (if you doubt our recommendation go visit www.thepastyshoppe.co.uk).

Little finger in the dyke

Hankies at the ready: according to the Ipswich Evening Star 12-year-old Martin Lambert, on hearing that Ipswich Town have little option but to sell his beloved Matt Holland, got in touch with the club to offer them his £5 pocket money as a contribution towards Holland's wages. Bless. The club is still considering his offer, while Holland mulls over a move to Aston Villa (who, knowing chairman Doug Ellis, won't offer him much more than young Martin earns a week).

Quotes of the week

Anne Robinson (The Weakest Link): "In sport, the name of which famous racehorse was the word "murder" spelt backwards?"

Contestant: "Shergar."

Okay, this gem from Private Eye is not entirely football-related, but we had an overwhelming desire to share it with you.

"If Barca sign me I would not even pack my suitcase, I would come in what I was wearing."

- Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink, categorically (cough) denying that he wants to leave Chelsea. (Let's hope Barca sign him when he's in his Thomas the Tank Engine pyjamas).

"John Moncur has been much more effective since he came on."

- BBC Radio Five's Alan Green during Monday's game between Newcastle and West Ham.

"David Beckham chose to give team-mate and best man Gary Neville a Cartier Tank watch, which will come in very handy when he learns to tell the time. It's also rumoured that Mickey Mouse has a Phil Neville watch."

- Heartless Martin Chilton, of the London Evening Standard.

"It was like the Gettysburg Address earlier on. I gave four team-talks. The only problem was none of them worked. I should have kept my mouth shut ."

- Dundee manager Jim Duffy after his side lost 3-0 to Rangers following a 50-minute delay to the kick-off.

Bowled over by Becks

Football 365 picked up on a rather disturbing article in Japan Today last week which revealed the depth of the obsession some of the country's young women have for David Beckham. Several alarming examples were provided but most disquieting of all were the lengths to which young "Taeko" goes to get close to her treasured one. "I stayed at hotels where Beckham stayed during the World Cup," she explained. "I checked toilets he might have used, took photographs of them and even licked them." To which we say: Oh Lord. (PS On the Japan Today website a character by the name of "Fitzroy" posted a message in response to Taeko's toilet-licking revelations - "There are truly sick women living here in Japan . . . thank God," he said. Cripes.)

Chant of the week

"You'll never play for Ireland . . . there's only one Mick McCarthy."

- Chelsea fans give Roy Keane a hearty warm welcome to Stamford Bridge on Friday night.

Dodgiest headline of the week

"Robbie Shows He Is Some Finn Else."

The Scottish Daily Record on Keane the Younger's goal against Finland on Wednesday.

More quotes of the week

"Michael Owen is NOT a diver. He knows when to dive, and when not to."

- Steve Hodge on English radio station Talk Sport (Private Eye).

"I actually thought the atmosphere was quite exciting."

- Wimbledon manager Stuart "I don't get out much" Murdoch on the game away to Grimsby, when 15 Wimbledon fans turned up.

"I've probably got about three players I could call my number one targets."

- Spurs supremo Glenn Hoddle.

"At one time he actually auditioned for Westlife and the one condition for him to sign was that we gave him a sun-bed to put in his room."

- Carlisle manager Roddy Collins reveals more about new signing Darren Kelly than the former Derry City defender would have appreciated.