Planet Football

Mary Hannigan’s sideways look at the world of soccer

Refereeing at Old Firm match a bit of a joke

We half sensed that Celtic supporters weren’t overly impressed with the refereeing in yesterday’s game at Ibrox, including, possibly, the fella who sent us this after the match.

“The team-talk in the Rangers dressingroom minutes before the Old Firm game. ‘Right lads, 110 per cent commitment against these dirty beggin’ Fenian b******s. Remember they’re all tattie-munching bogtrotters fae Ireland. I don’t care if you kick, punch or head-butt your way to victory.

‘Good luck – and God save the Queen.’

“At which point Walter Smith walked in and says, ‘thanks ref, I’ll take it from here’.”

Putting Ronaldo on a pedestal in Madrid is just a gimmick

True enough, Cristiano Ronaldo had a blinder of a game against Villarreal last week, his performance prompting the Spanish press to go positively weak at the knees, regarding his contribution to Real Madrid’s season as a kind of divine intervention. “Cristiano was not just Cristiano but the whole of Christianity,” declared AS, while Marca opted for the headline: “God came dressed as CR9.”

Mind you, when the folk living around Madrid’s Plaza de Ramales looked out their windows last week they probably though the adulation had gone a little too far: looking back at them was a 10-metre-tall statue of Ronaldo which wasn’t there when they went to bed. And when they got up the following morning he was gone again. Eh? Nike solved the mystery, it was all just part of an advertising campaign. Although at this rate there’ll be a permanent statue soon.

Who? Where?

Geography has never been Harry Redknapp’s strong point, the manager sometimes giving the impression he believes anywhere north of Tottenham or south of Portsmouth to be on another continent. Probably Africa.

Could he, he was asked last week, confirm he had signed 16-year-old Emmanuel Mbola, a left-back from Zambia who plays for Armenian side Yerevan?

’Arry was flummoxed. Never ’eard of him. “We had two kids here from Nigeria training, but I don’t know anything about a boy from Angola.”

Dog days are over for Ashley and Cheryl as Capello turns on WAGs

It's sad, of course, when the media gives no thought to the children of a high-profile marriage break-up, the salacious reporting on the Ashley/Cheryl Cole split a case in point. Has anyone stopped to think about Coco and Buster in all of this? No. "Who gets the Chihuahuas," the Daily Expressasked, quoting Cheryl as saying "they are definitely more mine than Ashley's, but he does love them really". The custody battle will, we fear, be painful and ugly.

The same paper reports that the split threatens to banjax the WAGs' World Cup plans, with Cheryl having been the chief organiser of their stay in a £1,600 (€1,790)-a-night resort on the island of Mauritius – a handy five-hour flight from South Africa. What now? Well, Fabio Capello is quoted by the News of the Worldexpressing the wish that the WAGs' don't make it anywhere near the tournament. "I hope they get a virus," he said. They think he was joking, but we're not so sure.

The Mirror, meanwhile, tells us Ashley is so upset over Chelsea's failure to hold his hand through this difficult time he's thinking about quitting football altogether or – if they squeeze his arm – joining Real Madrid or Barcelona. Whether Coco and Buster want to move to Spain is another matter – we'll keep you posted.

Six Reds: Two Years

The red mist, you might say, descended on Hawick United’s Paul Cooper in a Border Amateur League match last November, the player not taking kindly to the referee waving a second yellow card in his face after a dodgy tackle. So, he shared his feelings with the official, rather colourfully, picking up five more red cards in the process. Yes, count ‘em, that’s six red cards in just the one game. The Scottish FA finally got around to hearing his case and with Cooper unable to attend because he was at work they fired ahead and gave the 39-year-old a two-year ban.

Did Cooper respond colourfully to the ban? Not quite. “I will just have to go with the flow, accept things and find something else to do on a Saturday,” he said. Bless him.

Number of the week: 3.5

That's £3.5 billion (€3.9 billion)! The combined debt of English Premier League clubs, based on 2007-'08 annual accounts, according to a soon-to-be-released official report by Uefa seen by the Guardian. That's 56 per cent of the money owed by all the clubs in Europe's top divisions, which is quite a lot.

Apart from bonkers transfer fees the News of the Worldputs this rather perilous situation down to equally bonkers wages, citing the example of the salary paid by Portsmouth to their kit man – "£40,000 (€45,000) a year PLUS bonuses!" "What for," they asked, "Hanging the right shirt on the right peg? Learning how to spell Hreidarsson without referring to Wikipedia? The mind boggles."

Talking Shop

"You never know what will happen – warranties and guarantees are for washing machines."– MARK VAN BOMMEL dismissing the notion Bayern Munich are certain of getting past Fiorentina in the Champions League.

"The centre-backs were like they've only played twice together – and that's because they have."– SEAN O'DRISCOLL Doncaster manager explaining why his big lads at the back were like strangers in the defeat by QPR.

"The pinnacle now is getting the contract, the bentley and the blonde"- Roy Keane, impressed by modern players' priorities.

"Cruciate ligament injuries are a pain in the backside"- Ray Wilkins explaining the unique nature of the injury that kept Joe Cole out of action for so long.