Planet Football

September comes early for Ron: A big Planet Football thank you to John who heard Big Ron Atkinson on George Hook's Newstalk 106 show recently.

Over to you John: "George asked him what he thought of England's performance (against Denmark) . . . having given his analysis Ron concluded that "we (England) never do well in the September international". The game was played on August 17th. Good man Ron!"

And good man John.

Ferguson gets bogged down

Somewhat to his relief, we'd imagine, Alex Ferguson's charges had considerably less trouble disposing of Debrecen in the Champions League last week than he had on the flight to Budapest. As tribalfootball.com told us: "Ferguson was caught short on the flight and chose to 'pay a visit' (to the toilet) just prior to some severe turbulence. As passengers fastened their seat belts, the Scot was flung around the small cubicle. He eventually stumbled out laughing and dishevelled to cheers from his players and staff."

Quotes of the week

"Frank and Elen are happy to announce the birth of their first child, Luna Coco Patricia Lampard."

- A spokeswoman for Frank Lampard and his girlfriend. Don't worry, Luna Coco, you can change it by deed poll when you're older.

"They were quite timid. They came over to embrace me but it was as if they were saying: 'We've robbed them.' But I said to them, 'whoever robs a thief gets a 100-year pardon'."

- Diego Maradona on how he eased his team-mates' misgivings about his 'Hand of God' goal by telling them it was revenge for the Falkland Islands. At which point they said something along the lines of: "Fair enough."

"My Lyon team-mates told me I spoke French like a Spanish cow."

- Mick McCarthy reflecting on his time in France. Do you think he might have misunderstood what his Lyon team-mates said to him, or are Spanish cows known to say 'moo' in French?

"Will it be ready in time for the game? I'm not Bob the Builder, I'm Micky the manager."

- Micky Adams, on being asked if Coventry's new stadium would be ready in time for the game against QPR.

"Honestly, I've had more trouble with blackheads."

- Gordon Strachan downplays the seriousness of John Hartson's knee injury.

"He's a God . . . the lean lad next door with legs to die for and a mischievous grin that says: 'Bed. Now'."

- English gay magazine Attitude expressing its admiration for Steven Gerrard.

Rodrigo far gone

We're developing a bit of a soft spot for Dynamo Kiev's Brazilian defender Rodrigo, not least because there's rarely been a dull moment since he arrived from Sao Paulo earlier this year. He'd hardly landed in Ukraine when the Sao Paulo president revealed he wanted to leave again, the weather, apparently, being a bit of an issue.

But Rodrigo played on, getting sent off in one of his first big games for the club, against champions Shakhtar Donetsk, and then being dropped to the reserves after being judged overweight when he turned up for pre-season training. Then he was sent off in Kiev's shock Champions League qualifying defeat by Swiss side Thun and, in a reserve game a week ago, he was off again, this time for kicking a player. His, eh, team-mate Olexandr Aliev.

Kiev had been awarded a free-kick and Rodrigo wanted to take it, but Aliev hit it instead, so Rodrigo kicked him in the thigh, like you do. The only time we've seen a similar incident is when the players concerned were under eight.

Rodrigo has been dropped to the Kiev reserves and will be transfer-listed unless he apologises to the team. Seeing as he's pining for Sao Paulo we've a feeling they'll be waiting for their 'sorry'.

More quotes of the week

"Mum and dad are splitting up. I don't want them to stay together for our sake because that never works. I feel like the nanny, telling the kids everything is going to be all right."

- QPR manager Ian Holloway on 'marital' strife in the Loftus Road boardroom.

"It would be incredible to find out what was in his mind. I would quite like to get a bit deep with him."

- Blackburn's Andy Todd explaining why Adolf Hitler would be his dream dinner guest. The mind boggles.

"Our group is dangerous not because of Liverpool but because of Betis and Anderlecht."

- Jose Mourinho endearing himself yet again to the folk at Anfield.

"Teams that stay in my memory, that have made me love football, have been teams that play. That's why I always come to this conclusion - even without speaking of Chelsea - that if the way to play the game is not to play, then I will stay at home and read a book."

- Arsene Wenger, who'd rather read Harry Potter than watch Jose's shower.

"Their style of play was strange, the long-ball tactic. It was difficult to understand and very frustrating to watch as well. At times it was like I was at a tennis match or something, I was just a spectator, my neck worked very hard that day."

- Another Arsenal tribute to Chelsea, this time from Gilberto.

Greening keeps things simple

We read last week about West Brom's new method of building team spirit - they play bingo on away trips. Defender Paul Robinson has been the given the job of caller - when the number eight comes out he declares: "Thick as ****, Jonathan Greening!".

"That may seem a bit harsh," said Andy Johnson, "but when God was handing out brains Jonno decided to have a lie-in". Unfair, we felt, but then we read that Greening enquired of his team-mates during pre-season: "There are two suns, aren't there? One here and one abroad?"