Opening with a sickly sweet, sterile pep rally

The opening ceremony at the Ryder Cup should carry an advisory warning - the scenes you are about to witness are not for the squeamish. This was once again a homage to sickly sweet, maudlin clap trap, autocue co-ordinated sterility, an over-long pep rally.

The swirl of the bagpipes gave way to a sort of Celtic rock and, at that stage, it should have been time to flee the warm sunshine. The musical overture managed to get the crowd quietly swaying and, in fairness to the Mighty Marching Trojan Drumline, their party piece was the highlight of the quasiconcert.

Unfortunately, matters were going to take a turn for the worse, manifest in the stilted delivery of business billionaire Donald Trump and the equally wooden Angie "do not adjust your sets this red is my natural colouring" Everhart.

The latter betrayed the hallmark of the amateur golfer, namely the facility to exaggerate golfing stories. "My favourite moment was winning the longest drive at a celebrity golf tournament, 270 yards with a three wood." Fascinating.

You couldn't have managed to squeeze a golf tee in between Trump and Everhart as they clung to each other, the former murdering some limp jokes, the latter giggling nervously, eyes riveted to the autocue. Verbal meltdown was only a spanner away.

It was then time for the invocation: our own private one was that the sound system would suddenly crash but for Larry Moody, President of Search Ministries, it was an ecumenical blessing of the event with the beautiful sentiment that the teams embrace the Ryder Cup "with an attitude of gratitude".

The noise level of the "Celtic Fivers (cut rate Tenors) band" had descended to elevator music pitch. Next onto the rostrum was Dan Hicks, "one of NBC's most accomplished sports announcers and an Emmy award winner". Assistant captains and officials from both Tours got to tread the aqua marina carpet, enjoying their 15 seconds of fame, some at least having the good grace to appear sheepish.

Hicks then introduced the breathless Kathy Ireland, described in the programme notes as "a best friend to working mothers and a great lifestyle designer". Perfect then to introduce the wives and partners of the respective teams, including the American and European management teams. Then it was time for the respective captains, Hal Sutton and Bernhard Langer, to hit the stage followed by their respective teams.

When Sutton and Langer met in the middle of the rostrum, the competition began. Hal went for the handshake, Bernhard responded with a more traditional double cheek assault, but undaunted Hal struck back with the high five: one up to the Americans.

There followed an introduction of both teams, curriculum vitae rolled out with gusto, players briefly rising from the dais to acknowledge the hollers of the supporters. The Ryder Cup opening ceremony is quite simply not a spectator event. It's a ritual that's to be endured.