A Lineker-less Match of the Day, a new Sky Sports tune (unkindly likened to the theme from Sesame Street by some), ref-cams, multi-screen viewing, televised games eight days a week, half-time interviews with players. Yes, the English Premier League is back and the telly companies are jazzing things up a bit for no apparent reason. There are some things that never change, though. Such as VAR-related aggro and our Roy being snippy.
“What advice would you have for Keith Andrews,” presenter David Jones asked Roy Keane as Andrews shaped up for his first league game in charge of Brentford.
“Try and win some games,” he replied.
Sound advice, it has to be said, but the tone in which it was imparted suggests the relationship between the pair hasn’t improved in recent years. Roy once declared: “I’ve heard a lot of bullsh***ers over the last 10 years and Keith Andrews is up there with the best of them.”
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The Sky Sports presenter invited Roy to pay tribute to his fellow Irishman, who – and this might have been a malfunctioning TV issue at this end – appeared to have a French flag beside his name when he spoke to the broadcaster.
“He does talk a good game, he always has,” said Roy. By now, Jones sensed that if Brentford found themselves 3-0 down at half-time against Nottingham Forest, Roy wouldn’t be weeping.
Brentford did find themselves 3-0 down at half-time against Nottingham Forest. In the end, they lost 3-1. The opening weekend of the season wasn’t being hugely kind to our Irish representatives. If you want to go all statto on it, only four Irish lads played – Caoimhín Kelleher, Nathan Collins, Josh Cullen and Matt Doherty – and their three clubs lost 10-1 combined.
It’s going to be a long season for some, then, and maybe for Kéith L’Andreus most of all, as it will be for those perpetually piqued by VAR. Eberechi Eze scores a peach of a free-kick against Chelsea, but it’s ruled out because Marc Guehi was within one metre of Chelsea’s wall. “It’s not football any more,” the Crystal Palace faithful bellowed, and they might have had a point.
“Who knew,” said Jones to Roy, Micah Richards and Daniel Sturridge at the break. They all shrugged. The rule was, indeed, news to them. And sure look it, it’s VAR’s job to enforce the rules, no matter how obscure they might be, but ruler-armed officials measuring millimetres, centimetres and metres is akin to curling folk calculating the distance between jacks and stones. And no offence to curling at all, but you don’t really want football turning into it.
Anyway, it was time for Sunday’s glam tie, Manchester United v Arsenal. Jones welcomed us to Old Trafford while he stood on the centre spot beside the Premier League trophy. It was the trophy’s first visit to the stadium since 2013 and you can insert your own gags here about how long it’ll be before it makes the place its home again.
Mind you, Arsenal’s title drought has gone on for nearly a decade longer. During much of that time, the absence of an actual striker who can actually score has proved a bit of a hindrance for the Gunners. “What does Viktor Gyökeres bring as a number nine that you haven’t had in the past few seasons,” reporter Patrick Davison asked Arsenal boss Mikel Arteta of his big summer signing. “Goals,” he replied. As tributes go to his past number nines, that was, well, a little caustic.
Roy, meanwhile, was quite happy with United’s summer shopping, apart from them not buying a new goalkeeper, defenders and midfielders. Gary Neville, Peter Drury’s partner in the commentary box, was concerned about the goalkeeping situation too, intimating that Altay Bayındır would give him sleepless nights.
To the match and the key moment. Declan Rice’s corner came in and Bayındır dealt with it much like he would a boiling spud. It was 1-0 to the Arsenal. Gary let out one of those groans that would have gazelles running for the hills.
That proved to be the winning goal. The one consolation for United was that they at least came almost close-ish to scoring. Bryan Mbeumo is a baller, which is a major upgrade on last season when United appeared allergic to onion bags. But still, they lost at home. As Mark Chapman, our Match of the Day host on Saturday night, put it, “the more things change, the more they stay the same”.
So, the Premier League trophy departed Old Trafford, unlikely to see it again for a while. Who will win the title? God knows. But the burning question of pre-season was asked by TNT Sport’s Ally McCoist. “Why is the word palindrome not a palindrome?”
If Ruben Amorim could answer that, he’d solve Manchester United.
