I’m packing away the last of the Christmas bits and – yeah, no – I’m throwing out the Advent calendar that someone sent me obviously as a joke. It’s a Blackrock College Advent calendar – which is the same as a regular Advent calendar, except that your daddy opens all of the doors for you!
I come up with this absolute cracker of a line just as I’m dropping the thing into the bin. But when I look around, there’s no one there to hear it and offer me a high-five or even an attaboy.
So I fish the thing out of the Brabantia with the intention of repeating the line when Honor or Sorcha are present and passing it off as something that just came to me in the moment. And that’s when I hear Sorcha call my name from the livingroom.
I walk in there, ready to offload. I’m like, “Did you see this Blackrock College Advent calendar? It’s the same as a regular–” but then I suddenly stop.
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Sorcha is standing there – yeah, no – surrounded by boxes. In fact, the livingroom looks like the warehouse at the end of Raiders of the Lost Ork.
She goes, “These are my returns, Ross. Either items that I bought before Christmas or unwanted gifts that are going back. Now, I have instructions for you.”
I’m like, “For me?”
She goes, “This one is going back to NET-A-PORTER. It’s the Tove Sabella, boned and strapless, red, velvet midi-dress that I bought as a back-up outfit for Christmas Day, but which I didn’t need in the end. I could wear it next year but people might think I got it on sale from TheOutnet. The DHL man is coming to collect it between 10am and 11am, but you’re going to need to print out the waybill, which I’ve just emailed to you.”
I’m there, “Sorcha–”
But she’s like, “Focus, Ross, we have a lot to get through. When the DHL man is gone, you’re going to have to watch out for the postman because he never presses the buzzer properly, despite me saying it to him I don’t know how many times? He’s bringing two boxes. One of them is going back. I bought a double-faced, wool-cashmere, wrap coat in taupe by CO, which I then saw Meghan Morkle wearing online. Obviously, I don’t want people thinking that I was influenced by Meghan Morkle, so I bought it again in brown melange. So two identical boxes are arriving, but only one of them is going back, so you’ll need to open them at the front door. Actually, I’m going to WhatsApp you a photograph of Meghan Morkle, just so you don’t send back the wrong one.”
These three boxes are going back to Zara. There’s, like, 15 items, none of which suited
— Sorcha
I will almost certainly send back the wrong one.
She goes, “Now, both coats are coming through AddressPal, but I got hit for duty anyway, so you’ll need to ask the postman if it’s okay to refuse delivery of the coat that I don’t want, and whether that affects my reclaiming the duty. Okay, next–”
I’m like, “Next?”
She’s there, “–you’re going to jump into the cor and you’re going to go to the post office in Deansgrange. I’m sending the Toteme grey, nappa, over-the-knee boots that my mom bought me back to Horvey Nichs. I honestly thought the grey would be nicer. I may need to lower the contrast on the laptop. The post office will need the box to be open, so you may need to buy a roll of Sellotape at the counter if they won’t let you use theirs. Then you’re going to go to the Londis in Foxrock.”
I’m like, “There’s a Londis in Foxrock? I’d say my old dear is turning in her–”
“It’s fine,” she goes, “it’s on the other side of the dual-carriageway. I’m sending this box here back to Revolve. It’s the Majorelle Samara mini-dress in silver that I bought for Claire from Bray’s Gatsby-themed, New Year’s Eve porty that never happened because Claire got norovirus. You’re going to need a QR code, which I’ve WhatsApped to you, and they’re going to give you a physical receipt – don’t accept an email receipt. Then you’re going to go to Dundrum.”
I’m there, “Will I have time–?”
She goes, “Yes, you’ll have time, because I’ve drawn up a schedule for you. These three boxes are going back to Zara. There’s, like, 15 items, none of which suited. Now, do not go to the refunds and exchange counter. You’re going to scan the items at the self-returns counter. I’ve emailed you the code. Then you’re going to go to Brown Thomas.”
I’m there, “Sorcha, I think I’m storting to hyperventilate.”
She’s like, “You’re going to go to the beauty counter and you’re going to return this Drunk Elephant Protini Polypeptide Firming Moisturiser that I bought for my mom but then didn’t give her because I remembered how sensitive she was about her crow’s feet, especially when she’s had wine. After that you’re going to go downstairs to the returns counter and you’re going to send back the Lana burgundy herringbone blazer by The Landskein that I bought on Christmas Eve and then remembered that I already had a burgundy blazer.”
I’m there, “Sorcha, I’m definitely storting to hyperventilate.”
You’ll need to be back by 4pm. Which you definitely should be, provided you hit all of the times in the schedule
— Sorcha
She goes, “Breathe, Ross! Breathe! You’re also going to ask them to take this Lauren Ralph Lauren navy puffer jacket, even though it came from Arnotts. If you’re told that they can’t take back Arnotts items, then they’re obviously holiday staff. Tell them they’re wrong, because they’re port of the same group. Then you’re going to need to race home–”
I’m like, “Do you have a bag I can breathe into?”
She’s there, “–because you’ll need to be back by 4pm. Which you definitely should be, provided you hit all of the times in the schedule, which I’ve emailed you. The UPS man will be here between 4pm and 5pm to collect the black, croc-effect, knee-high boots by Paris Texas, which are going back to MyTheresa, because they’re an 85mm heel and I can’t do an 85mm heel as my all-day, every-day winter boots any more.”
That’s when Honor walks into the room. It’s an actual relief to see her.
I’m there, “Honor! Did you see this Blackrock College Advent calendar? It’s the same as a regular Advent calendar, except–”
But she just goes, “Are you going to Dundrum? Can you bring back some Christmas presents for me?”
