Newton's Optic:Up against one-way thinking, Operation Free-Load is grinding all parties to a halt, writes Newton Emerson
Belfast's seasonal anti-gridlock initiative begins this week with a series of measures to unblock traditional routes. Operation Free-Load follows last Friday's all-day jam after a bubble burst and poured cold water over hundreds of fellow-travellers.
To ensure that there will be no repeat of this incident, at least until the new year when a repeat is specifically required, Secretary of State Peter Hain has demanded a temporary halt to the digging of trenches.
Timetables have been rewritten, traffic lights have been set on green-orange-green-orange and security guards have arrested a loyalist cycle-path.
Drivers also have their part to play. Sinn Féin will accept directions from the police if the DUP agrees to car-sharing. The SDLP has been asked to stagger its departures and the Ulster Unionists didn't have to be asked.
Public transport is expected to cope if things go wrong, despite the fact that twin tracks go nowhere, peace trains are always about to leave the station and everyone refuses to be railroaded.
Northern Ireland Railways says things should improve if more points are gone over and nobody responds to the usual signals.
No delays are expected on the trams because Belfast has no trams, although the reintroduction of trams has been delayed by 10 years.
Speaking exclusively to The Irish Times from a quality bus corridor of power in Hillsborough Castle, Mr Hain praised his imaginative traffic-flow management strategy of having no management and no strategy.
"Congestion is never a black-and-white issue, except at a zebra crossing or during a racist road-rage incident," he said.
"However, I think all sides can agree that things are better now than they were when they were worse."
Belfast's notorious traffic problems stem from a unique set of circumstances. There are two separate school-runs, one Protestant and one Catholic, which are strictly enforced by nuns on motorcycles.
In west Belfast, everyone drives on the right because the rest of the city drives on the left. Cars with GB stickers do not give way to cars with IRL stickers and vice versa. Nobody gives way to cars with NI stickers because that is rightly regarded as cheating.
"If we can't tackle these issues ourselves then the British government will look to Dublin for assistance," Mr Hain warned.
"We could follow the example of Mary McAleese and build more bridges. Alternatively, we could follow the example of Bertie Ahern and pay somebody else to build a bridge, then buy it off them just before it falls down."
In the meantime, Operation Free-Load will continue for the next couple of months or the next couple of years - whichever is the longer.
Shoppers heading into Belfast to plant an incendiary device in a DIY superstore should stay tuned to their MI5 handler.
Revellers heading into Belfast for a night out should designate a driver and a first minister.
Commuters heading into Belfast should consider the grinding provincialism of their pointless existence.
Everyone else should avoid Belfast altogether.
"Operation Free-Load is about solving our problems in the short run so that we can get far enough down the road to solve them in the long run," Mr Hain explained. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got a helicopter waiting."