Good evening, and here is the weather forecast for the next 24 hours. A depression has been moving in from Newfoundland, here, down through the north-west Atlantic, here, bringing with it this occluded front, here, drawing in this high-pressure front from the Caribbean, here. This will result in blue skies and hot, dry weather from Scandinavia, here, to the Bay of Biscay, here.
Meanwhile, an entirely different weather system has been coming in from the direction of Poland, here, and from the Crimea, here, characterised by bright sunshine, light but warm winds and a high but light cirrhus, very pleasant weather indeed. This system is moving across Europe towards us, and should be here, over the Irish Sea, by Tuesday, covering the entire island of Ireland by midday Wednesday.
If, that is, it does not collide with the weather system which has been emerging north of the Azores, here, in which case the weather will remain pretty much the same as it has done for the past three years. In fact, it now looks as if this weather system, here, which has brought record temperatures across Europe, is unlikely to cross the English Channel, here. Elements of the European-type weather broke through over southern Britain yesterday, but the Euro-sceptic British air-defence system shot them all down, and for the moment at least, these islands, here, will be experiencing a more traditional Atlantic maritime climate.
Warm front
Now for the forecast for the next 24 hours. You can see a warm front moving in from the Atlantic, here, bringing with it another sunny day of glorious temperatures, blue skies, and light pleasing breezes, ideal for the beach or walking in the Wicklow hills, and absolutely perfect hurling weather for the Leinster final, here. Unfortunately, this system will not make it this far, because of, Oh I haven't a bloody clue, just as it has always failed to make it this far throughout the summer.
So, instead, we have a rather more familiar weather picture of scattered heavy showers which are expected to cover Leinster throughout the morning, with interludes between these showers lasting as long as a minute. These showers should die down later in the day but will be instantly replaced by a steady downpour lasting until this time tomorrow and the next forecast.
Heavy rains
Now for the rest of the country. The heavy rains which washed Donegal away last week are finally abating, and around noon today are expected to cease completely for several minutes, when they will be followed by torrential downpours that will make everything that has gone before seem like a soft day thank God. As you can see from the weather map, here, this cold wet front is moving in from the north-west, and it will be followed immediately afterwards by a similar front of wet cold weather, here. This was generated last December off the Greenland Bight, and has been hiding ever since. Here it is now, here, ready to move into Ireland tomorrow, bringing with it another day of cold rains, high winds, crop failure, famine, disaster, suicides and tears, here.
High tide today should occur at around 3 p.m., and is not expected to extend as far as Carlow, though low-lying areas - namely all coastal counties and their neighbours - may expect complete immersion for up to three or even four hours. However, the rains by this time will be so heavy that the few survivors of our coastal regions, the poor hoors, will probably not notice the incoming tides.
On the East coast, here, around Louth, the picture is a little brighter, following the rain-induced explosion at Sellafield. However, the temporary warming effect caused by the nuclear flash will give way to a cold tidal wave which is expected to wash inland over large areas, changing the topography of much of Ulster, here, sweeping aside towns and villages, levelling the Sperrins and the Mournes, here and here, after which all will be changed, except at Drumcree, here, where an Orange front will remain in conflict with a Green anti-cyclone, causing unsettled weather which will soon spread over the rest of the North, here and here and here and here and here and here.
Now for Connacht. Roscommon's Atlantic seaboard is expected to be rocked by high tides and strong winds, but the heavy rains of the past three months are expected to die down at around midnight, especially around the coastal resorts of Roosky and Strokestown, here and here, to be succeeded by much colder, wetter monsoons, with bitter driving winds and low, dark, ugly clouds coming in from here and here and HERE.
Freezing downpours
So, generally, it's a pretty mixed picture, with either heavy rains and low temperatures, here and here and here, or freezing downpours here and here and here, or alternatively icy deluges sweeping in across here and over here and here. And now, for you hay-fever sufferers, a pollen warning: a single wet spore was detected off the Tipperary coast early yesterday, but it is believed to have drowned itself in despair soon afterwards.
In other words, another bloody awful day in the most bloody awful summer of all time. I could have said that at the very beginning, but then what would I have said for the rest of the forecast? Until the same time tomorrow. . . (nervous smile at camera, little shuffle of feet, long pause, nervous smile again . . .)