NEWTON'S OPTIC:As Fianna Fáil and Fine Gael prepare to tie the knot, we bring you this exclusive look at their binding prenuptial agreement, writes NEWTON EMERSON
Clause 1
It is hereby recognised by both parties that the husband (Fianna Fáil) brings a substantial property portfolio to the relationship, comprising 43,000 empty homes in a variety of desolate locations, with a current market value of €0.00. It is further recognised by the wife (Fine Gael) that liabilities accruing to these properties shall be shared equally by any children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren for as long as they all shall live.
Clause 2
It is hereby recognised by both parties that the husband (Fianna Fáil) has had a number of previous social partners, resulting in several illegitimate offspring. It is further recognised by the wife (Fine Gael) that certain commitments arising from these unions shall continue to be met, having the first claim on all income received by the household.
Clause 3
It is hereby recognised by both parties that their pets shall remain their sole property, such that the husband (Fianna Fáil) retains sole ownership of John Gormley (“Goofy”), while the wife (Fine Gael) retains Eamon Gilmore (“Trotsky”). It is further recognised that both parties shall keep their pets in the event of a divorce, while in the meantime they shall both do their best to throw them an occasional bone.
Clause 4
It is hereby recognised by both parties that not all their furniture will fit into a single home, and that a number of seats, fixtures, antiques and ornaments will thus have to be disposed of in a ruthlessly unsentimental manner. It is further recognised by the wife (Fine Gael) that she is probably not strong enough to lift the cabinet.
Clause 5
It is hereby recognised by both parties that housework is expected, especially but not limited to cleaning up, dusting off, weeding out and laundry airing. A number of books may also need to be cooked. It is further recognised that the husband (Fianna Fáil) refers the wife (Fine Gael) to Article 41 of Bunreacht na hÉireann (“Where’s my dinner, woman?”).
Clause 6
It is hereby recognised by both parties that the husband (Fianna Fáil) owns an item of jewellery, specifically a golden circle, which is considered a family heirloom and shall not be flashed around at the slightest excuse.
Clause 7
It is hereby recognised by both parties that the husband (Fianna Fáil) enjoys an occasional drink with the lads of an evening, and may depart the marital home at any time in the consequent pursuance thereof. It is further recognised that the wife (Fine Gael) will not ambush him over this in the morning, nor attempt any conversation which might be construed as “an interview”, nor mock him if he complains about being “a little hoarse”.
Clause 8
It is hereby recognised by both parties that the husband (Fianna Fáil) may in the past have been on several “business trips”, where he contracted a number of embarrassing conditions requiring long-term treatment. It is further recognised by the wife (Fine Gael) that she will never mention this in public, nor will she complain if she herself shows symptoms soon after both parties have got into bed together.