Miriam Lord: Seanad byelection talk puts Covid in the ha’penny place

The big question this week in the virtual corridors of power was: why aren’t we hearing more about Covid-19 on radio and television and why are the newspapers ignoring it?

Why is nobody talking about vaccines? What about the latest figures?

Is there not a doctor or a professor anywhere who might be persuaded to say something? Why the silence on overseas travel and mandatory quarantine? Where are the experts to tell us about our mental health? Why oh why can’t someone be found to tell us how to cook/mind the dog/stay sober during the pandemic?

But no.

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All we hear, 24/7, is people banging on about the Seanad byelections. Don’t mind telling you that I’ve got to the stage now where I’m diving at the radio to turn it off the minute I hear someone say they’re going to discuss the prospects for the Industrial and Commercial panel with a leading pundit from the University of Life.

But what can you do?

As everyone knows, there are two vacancies arising from the resignations in September and October of Fine Gael’s Michael D’Arcy from the Agriculture panel and Sinn Féin’s Elisha McCallion from the aforementioned widely talked-about Industrial and Commercial panel.

The election process is horrendously complicated, even though the electorate only comprises the membership of the Dáil and Seanad. The race is under way now that two Senators (Independent Victor Boyhan in Darcy’s case and Sinn Féin’s Niall Ó Donnghaile in McCallion’s) have moved motions calling for the clerk of the Upper House to notify the Minister to get his skates on and name the election date.

Darragh O’Brien is the Minister in question. He’s a fast mover, is the Minister for Local Government. We asked his spokesperson on Friday when the election will take place.

“No date set yet” and they “don’t know yet when one will be set”.

There is a gentlemen’s agreement between the two main Government parties to divvy up the seats. If all Government TDs and Senators vote as instructed, their candidates will win. But it’s a private vote.

Fianna Fáil has dibs on the Industrial and Commercial seat, with 13 candidates hoping to win the nomination. Ballot papers went out this weekend and a result/candidate is expected on Tuesday night.

Fine Gael has dibs on the Agriculture panel and the well-regarded former senator Maria Byrne, from Limerick, is the party’s candidate. On the numbers, she should win. But as the shock result in last year’s vote for Leas-Cheann Comhairle showed, Government candidate Fergus O’Dowd lost to Catherine Connolly when an estimated 15 Government TDs defied instructions in the secret vote.

The problem for Maria Byrne is that Ian Marshall, the former president of the Ulster Farmers’ Union and Leo Varadkar’s nominee to the Upper House in 2016, has thrown his hat in the ring.

This seat has become even more important now with the fallout from Brexit, the Ireland/NI protocol and the ongoing impact of the global pandemic across the island

Marshall, who is from a unionist background, wrote this week to all Oireachtas members seeking their support. Sinn Féin has already pledged its support for him.

The Armagh man was disappointed when Micheál Martin’s new Government didn’t appoint anyone from north of the Border to the Seanad. “Any talk of a shared island is just a farce,” he said at the time. “How can you have a shared island if you only talk to yourself?”

He is fighting the byelection on his record in agriculture and farming, his Seanad record and as an independent unionist voice.

“This seat has become even more important now with the fallout from Brexit, the Ireland/NI protocol, trade issues north, south, east and west and the ongoing impact of the global pandemic across the island.”

Among his supporters is Senator Gerard Craughwell, who has accused FF and FG of a “carve-up” of the two seats. “Old habits die hard, especially when we look into the Irish political establishment.”

He says the Government is not interested in putting forward candidates with expert knowledge in their vocational panels and accuses Fine Gael of nominating someone “with absolutely no interest or knowledge in agriculture to the agricultural panel”.

He alleges Maria Byrne only spoke twice on farming issues during her five years in the Seanad. “Surely now more than ever we need impartial, unbiased, expert opinion in the Upper House,” argues Craughwell.

“Having busted through the cronyism myself in 2014, I hope we can do it again.”

Meanwhile, the Green Party has yet to decide whether to enter the field. “We haven’t decided anything. Internal discussion is only taking place on it now,” said a spokesman. Lord Mayor of Dublin Hazel Chu has been mentioned as a possible runner.

If the Healy-Rae cap fits...

A very serious situation developed on Wednesday morning when a Sinn Féin TD was accused of grand larceny involving the possible mugging of a fellow deputy outside the auditorium where the ridiculously distanced Health and Safety Dáil now sits.

After he had spoken on his party’s motion calling for an extension of the €28 fuel allowance to all recipients of the Pandemic Unemployment Payment, Mark Ward was approached by TDs from a number of parties (including his own) and accused of stealing Michael Healy-Rae’s cap.

The deputy for Dublin Mid-West vociferously denied the allegations. He was, however, wearing a black flat cap on his head at the time which looked suspiciously like the one usually cemented onto the Kerry parliamentarian’s bonce.

Healy-Rae, it was darkly noted, was nowhere to be seen.

Furthermore, Ward delivered his televised speech while brazenly modelling said item of headgear. He cleverly tried to disguise its provenance by the addition of a small enamel Easter lily badge and a pin depicting the Clondalkin Round Tower.

What was going on? Nobody, apart from MHR, has ever worn a black flat cap in the Dáil chamber before this week. He had to fight Leinster House authorities to be allowed wear it. A gentleman sporting a hat in the chamber was always viewed as a most serious contravention of the dress code. He won that permission in February 2017.

My 14-year-old daughter Muireann cut my hair at home – it was my socially distanced Covid haircut. I wore the cap because my head was cold

A battle which has gone down in the Leinster House annals of millinery history.

Exactly three years later and Mark Ward surfaces in the Convention Centre wearing the famous cap. Obviously, questions were asked.

We are happy to report that the first-time TD from Clondalkin is entirely innocent of all charges.

“My 14-year-old daughter Muireann cut my hair at home – it was my socially distanced Covid haircut. I wore the cap because my head was cold,” Mark tells us, having cleared his name with his colleagues. He bought it last winter and Wednesday was the first time he wore it in the Dáil chamber.

He didn’t ask permission to wear it and would never have thought of doing so.

“Anyway, the Healy-Raes don’t own the rights to the wearing of caps,” he added. “And also, Michael Healy-Rae is always crying that we don’t do anything past the Red Cow roundabout. I’d like him to know that the Red Cow roundabout is in my constituency and I work way beyond it.”

Two Healy-Rae hats in the Dáil now?

Dear God, let it not be the start of a new fashion.

Humphreys outed by Leo as first-time granny

Heather Humphreys didn’t want to make a big fuss about her recent good news, so she was surprised when her phone suddenly began to hop with good wishes from her Dáil and Seanad colleagues.

What she didn’t realise (having temporarily tuned out of the Zoom call) was that Leo Varadkar had just announced the glad tidings to the weekly parliamentary party meeting.

“Next minute, all I could see was ‘Congratulations Granny!’ coming up on my screen.”

The Minister for Social Protection and Rural and Community Development has been on cloud nine since her daughter Eva and son-in-law Seán welcomed young Arthur into the world.

I've told them all, 'You can say it twice but after three grannies, you're dead'. I don't want to hear it

“He’s a lovely wee fella altogether,” says first-time grandmother Heather. “He’ll be two weeks old on Monday.”

Arthur H Egan, to be precise. The “H” stands for Humphreys. “I think it was lovely to get the mother’s family name in too,” says Humphreys (nee Stewart). The Kennedys had the same idea when christening JFK.

She’s not so keen on the “granny” moniker, though. “I’ve told them all, ‘You can say it twice but after three grannies, you’re dead’. I don’t want to hear it. I’m allowing them a couple of chances and then that’s it.”

Due to Covid restrictions the christening will have to wait.

“The way things are going I’d say he’ll be walking up to the font by the time we get over all of this. He’ll be able to jump into it himself.”

And drive everyone to the church in Monaghan for the ceremony.

TDs can’t keep their distance

The strict rule on numbers allowed into the Convention Centre auditorium means parties must keep a close eye on how many TDs are inside any one time.

It’s easy for people to lose concentration in the Health and Safety Dáil where, unbelievably, a mere 45 TDs out of 159 can commune briefly together in a temporary chamber which doubles as a 2,000-seat, three-storey auditorium. Those who get a golden ticket to come and talk into the void must feel very special indeed.

But for all the wide open space cocooning the precious politicians, nothing can account for human behaviour. They may be rattling around like peas in a drum, but it doesn’t stop them forgetting about their masks, or conferring closely or steaming up to the Ceann Comhairle or Leas-Cheann Comhairle to vent their annoyance when they feel overlooked in the speaking list.

Catherine Connolly was forced to address those storming the citadel on Wednesday. “I want to say something in relation to the Order of Business and TDs approaching me. There’s a pandemic and the closeness of the contact is unacceptable.”

So a maximum of 45 TDs are strung around an enormous hall – chosen because it is so much bigger than the Dáil chamber and expensively fitted-out to accommodate all members when necessary – and they still can’t get it right.

Most deputies think the Convention Centre set-up is over the top. But when they question it, they say, they are immediately silenced with those three magic words: “health and safety”.