Miriam Lord: Horse sense in short supply as talk is all Trump

A horse might not be the worst of Donald Trump’s appointments. Although Enda Kenny wouldn’t entertain the notion.

“That’s an outrageous remark,” he huffed at Bríd Smith of People Before Profit, who had been wondering if there was anything the president-elect of the United States might say or do to make him reconsider trotting off to the White House next March with his blingtastic bigly bowl of shamrock.

Enda, by the way, rather matter-of-factly informed the Dáil in the course of questions on the US presidential election that he had every intention of travelling to the US next year to celebrate “Patty’s Day” with The Donie.

“Mr Trump confirmed that he intends to continue that tradition and I look forward to seeing him in the White House for St Patrick’s Day 2017,” he announced, as anguished wails rocked the walls of the Fine Gael offices.

Smith, in agreement with her Anti-Austerity Alliance colleague Ruth Coppinger, was disgusted with the Taoiseach cosying up to Trump and his vice president-elect Mike Pence.

“In the Roman Empire, Caligula is supposed to have appointed, or wanted to appoint, his favourite horse as a consul. And I suspect if Donald Trump said tomorrow, ‘I’m going to appoint my horse’, you’d probably still warmly welcome him, greeting him in Washington on St Patrick’s Day.”

Kenny let out the sort of harrumph you’d hear from a puissance specialist after he successfully clears the wall.

“Outrageous remark!” he whinnied. “Outrageous!”

Bowl of shamrock

While accepting that the Taoiseach had to go through the motions of formally greeting the election of world leaders, Coppinger wondered why he had to be so “gushing” in relation to Trump.

“I am sure people will sleep soundly in their beds in the knowledge that the custom of presenting the US president with a bowl of shamrock on St Patrick’s Day is set to continue. Everyone was extremely worried about this,” she dripped.

But it was agreed by the Taoiseach and the Fianna Fáil and Sinn Féin leaders that this trip was important in terms of maintaining Ireland’s strong ties with the US and for arguing the case on behalf of the many Irish men and women who live and work illegally over there. The shamrock is very important in a “symbolic” sense.

Kenny said that just because Trump had been elected didn’t mean we’ll go down the slippery slope in this country.

“This is politics. We will not lose any of our ethical standards or values in this country. Why should we?” he said.

Of course, we’d have to find them all first.

The Taoiseach was merely being pragmatic. We didn’t control the US system and it didn’t control ours, he said. The Government has to take decisions “that are in the best interest of the people of our country and the economies of our countries”.

Work on that is ongoing.

To this end, he said, it would be a good idea to get onside with some of the other big hitters in the new political dispensation.

“We must now work with the speaker of the house, who has strong Leinster roots,” Kenny said.

Thank God.

Outrageous suggestion

Yesterday, everyone wanted to know the details of the 10-minute telephone conversation he had with Trump when the election dust was still clearing in the celebrity marketeer’s gilded New York penthouse. But Enda had nothing new to add to the official account rushed out soon after they spoke.

Did Trump suggest a possible contender for Irish ambassador to the US, in the way he suggested to British prime minister Theresa May that Nigel Farage might become the queen’s man in Washington in this new era?

No, he didn’t.

And, as far as we know, Trump didn’t mention appointing a horse to anything either. Although why Enda should have thought it such an outrageous suggestion is hard to fathom.

Ireland is one of the largest producers of stallions in Europe. Our horses are renowned the world over. Nobody does horses better than Ireland. Our horses are tremendously tremendous.

Were Donald to appoint his favourite horse as secretary of state of something, we’d be quids in.

Think of the bloodlines. The nag would have relations all over the country.

Big Phil Hogan is a horse of a man and that didn’t stop Enda giving him the big job in Europe.

Perhaps that’s what has him so wary of letting horses have their heads. Big Phil cleared the water jump and galloped off to Brussels, leaving the rest of the field to cope with Uisce Éireann.

So the Taoiseach wanted no more discussion of equine appointments.

“In respect of Caligula and his horse, they are long gone,” he told Bríd Smith.

Hot water

There was no escape from Trump. And if there was, it was only to bump into Shane Ross, who is hogging all the limelight down Leinster House way. Not by accident, according to the Labour leader, but clearly by design.

At the moment, Ross is in hot water for his remarks on judicial appointments (and alleged facing-down of Fine Gael on filling them quickly) and his failure to fill a growing number vacancies on state boards.

His behaviour is positively “Trumpesque”, cried Brendan Howlin, describing Ross’s attention-seeking antics as a move to deflect attention from his poor ministerial performance in the Department of Transport.

Brendan said this as a way of seeking attention on the 200th day of the Government and in no way seeking to deflect from his rather lacklustre leadership thus far.

The Trumpestuous carry-on of the Minister also caught the attention of the Fianna Fáil leader, who accused him of being “cavalier, untruthful and disingenuous” on the subject of the judges.

Micheál Martin made Ross sound like a bold schoolboy who has tried his teacher’s patience too often and it’s time to involve the principal. He began Leaders’ Questions by saying he wanted to raise Ross’s “behaviour”.

“So, Taoiseach, have you actually called in Minister Ross and informed him of his ministerial responsibilities?”

Enda smirked. “I’m serious about this, Taoiseach,” insisted Micheál. “He needs to be spoken to.” About his “combined behaviours”.

Perhaps the Taoiseach might have been better off appointing a horse.