On the plus side, nothing is happening

FOR THE PAST couple of weeks, Google has been doing its invite-only shtick for Google+, its attempt to shout “In your Facebook, Mark Zuckerberg!” The strategy is intended to make those without an invite mildly desperate for one, on the presumption that they are missing out on whatever it is that makes those with an invite so smug about it.

What’s most impressive about this trick is that Google is still pulling it after a similar launch for Google Wave. That site promised to be so mind-blowingly useful that users could only presume it was their fault when they couldn’t figure out just what the hell they were supposed to do with it.

It couldn’t, after all, be Google’s fault. It is Google. It knows what you want. If you didn’t know it was what you wanted, that was hardly Google’s fault.

As it happens, Google Wave turned out to be the online equivalent of waking up in the bathroom from Saw, after which you spent the rest of your time there bemused by what you’d done to deserve this incredibly complex form of torture, and figuring out a way to escape.

A note on the site, which is now in stasis, reads: “As we announced in August 2010, we are not continuing active development of Google Wave as a stand-alone product, but have been working hard on the open source ‘Wave in a box project’ and on making waves accessible through Google Docs.”

If you put that paragraph through Google Translate it emerges as “on gardening leave”.

Still, the Google Wave debacle, and the lack of buzz about Google Buzz that preceded it, have been overlooked as people clamour once again to get a view of Google’s latest attempt at social media. So, if you don’t have an invite, you may be wondering what magic lies inside. Here’s the answer.

When you’re outside Google+, it is like passing a nightclub with lasers on the roof, the thud of the music shaking the pavement outside and a queue at the door that grows longer and longer. Only the queue is growing mainly because of people passing and asking, “What’s this queue for?” and joining it because a queue this big must be for something really worth queuing for.

Eventually someone has a word with the bouncer on your behalf, and you get inside, to be greeted by a cavernous dance floor with a smattering of people on it, most of whom are staring at each other in the hope that someone will strike up a conversation. The loudest voices that can be heard are people shouting over and over again about HOW GREAT THIS PLACE IS. But you recognise them as the same people you met when you stumbled in Google Wave.

There are Circles, which means you have to decide who your friends are, exactly where you want them to sit and who you want them to sit with. Then you surreptitiously put earmuffs on some of them so they only hear bits of what you’re saying.

While all this is going on, the owner is nosing around, checking to see if people are having a good time, making notes of their complaints, asking you if you’ve tried the Hangout or the Sparks and generally making you feel a bit awkward for not appreciating what a great club this is and how lucky you are to be here.

So that’s what it’s like now. What will be like in a while? Well, one of two things will happen: either it will deliver on its promise and the place will fill up, the conversation will kick off and you’ll finally figure out why you’re here in the first place; or you’ll climb out of a window and never go back.

Now is not the time to decide. You certainly don’t want to be like one of those people who hear about the raging stream of chatter and information that is Twitter only to be immediately drowned by it.

Neither do you want to be one of those whose lasting imprint on Google+ is a sole, unimaginative “So, I’m on Google+” post. But then again, when is a good time to decide if it’s worth sticking around?

For now, if you’re not in then don’t bother joining. Let the rest of the world decide if it’s worth being there. Don’t worry about being ahead of the pack. The free thinkers are the ones stumbling around, a bit directionless and confused. If they find their way, you can always meet them when they get there.

Twitter: @shanehegarty