Nimble Biffo puts home side into knock-out stages

Budget sketch/Miriam Lord: One last fixture before the demolition of the old Dáil

Budget sketch/Miriam Lord:One last fixture before the demolition of the old Dáil. And it's a crucial tie for the home team. Brian Cowen, with Bertie's blessing, wore the captain's armband for the day.

He passed nimbly from income tax to small businesses, environmental measures to rural economy, old age pensions to first-time buyers. And with each fresh passage of play, the home crowd cheered.

Packed with financial firepower, the Government togged out yesterday expecting a good result. Biffo didn't disappoint. As Budget 2006 moved into its final stages, his backbench cheerleaders relaxed and got giddy.

By their reckoning, they were five goals up with full-time looming, facing an Opposition forced to play with no studs in their boots.

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When the final whistle came, the backbench supporters jumped to their feet and celebrated. Across in the Opposition dug-out, players steeled themselves for the moral victory.

They couldn't have cared less on the Fianna Fáil benches. (Their PD partners appeared less euphoric.) Junior Minister, Conor Lenihan, punched the air. "Ten more years!" he cried. "Folley that!" chortled Tipperary's Noel Davern.

Whereupon the bulk of the FF backbenchers took themselves off to the bar for a lap of honour, unable to contain their glee long enough to extend the Opposition's finance people the courtesy of a hearing.

After Mr Cowen's generously prudent performance, Fianna Fáil see themselves sitting comfortably on top of the political league table and well placed for the election knock-out stages.

"No surprises, no imagination and no reform," sighed Fine Gael in a post-speech statement, issued as Richard Bruton was lacing up his boots and getting ready to do his unenviable duty: the Budget Reply.

As later contributions would show, things have come to a pretty pass when the Opposition is reduced to criticising the Government for failing to increase the price of drink.

Deputy Bruton began by tearing into A&E trolleys, waiting lists, criminal gangs, overcrowded classrooms and traffic gridlock. "These are not the problems of success. These are the problems of failure." Then he brought Ancient Rome into the argument.

Mr Cowen is fooling the people by giving them bread and circuses - flashy little stunts designed to distract from the real issues.

At the mention of Ancient Rome, the classically-educated Tánaiste pricked up his ears. Emboldened by Biffo's populist Budget, he decided to reintroduce his favourite phrase. "Slump coalition!" he giggled.

Richard reminded the House that only one government in recent times that reduced taxation in real terms was the Fine Gael/Labour/DL coalition.

"With 10 per cent unemployment," whooped Michael. "Slump coalition, Part Two." And he looked to Bertie, who was sitting next to him, for approval.

The Taoiseach favoured him with a benign little smile. Behind him, Conor Lenihan jumped to his feet.

"Slump coalition!" he carolled. Bertie ignored him.

It was a long day for Mr Cowen. His public agenda began after breakfast with a photocall, followed by another one with his family later in the day.

By the time he got to his feet, he looked remarkably fresh and well coiffed. This might have had something to do with the lady with purple hair who stood in the background during the photocalls, weighed down by a very, very large, transparent bag, which was full to the gunnels with make-up and hair brushes and enough lotions and potions to scupper a coal boat.

It is not known if it was her decision to co-ordinate Bertie and Biffo - they wore shirts and ties in matching shades of lilac and pink.

Budget day in Leinster House has been a fairly dull event in recent years. Yesterday, there was a definite buzz about the place. Even Fine Gael appeared to be celebrating. Which they were. Their deputy for Meath, young Damian English, had just announced his engagement to Laura.

Back in the House, some of the biggest cheers came when Biffo broke the €200 pension barrier. Above in the "gods", former serial social welfare minister Michael Woods looked so happy there was every danger he might start to cry. The current Minister, Séamus Brennan, sat through the speech wearing an inappropriately mournful expression. Perhaps the front bench were warned to abide by the prudence watchword, and to exercise caution in the crowing department. However, when Brian announced the pension increases, even Bertie couldn't help hide a satisfied smile.

The old Dublin mammies will love him even more.

After an hour, Mr Cowen sat down, applause ringing in his ears. He looked slightly embarrassed. Bertie turned and took Biffo's hands in both of his.

It was lovely. And then Conor roared: "Ten More Years!" They knew the moment couldn't last.