THE only thing I miss is Father Ted. I miss it though I've never seen it. I miss it because I've never seen it. Maybe, it is, finally, time to drop into a friend's house and say "Oh look, Father Ted's on." That's if they've bothered answering the front door. Television is a family and I don't have one. I am a small screen orphan.
There have been three occasions in the last four years when I have wanted a television and all of them involved hangovers. "I want to feel miserable," I said, "where's the remote control?" How could I have humiliated myself, like that, in public what about a bit of Gerry Ryan?
Perhaps I am ruining my pleasures one by one I used to like the theatre, but then I did some plays. I used to like books, but then I wrote some (I used to like food but then I worked in a slaughter house cum sausage factory I used to like sex but then I worked in a brothel), I used to like television but then I worked in RTE. And so on.
I remember reading a study, when I was still working in television, that showed that people who felt so so before they switched on the box, felt less so so after they switched it off people who felt happy before, felt definitely not so happy after and those who were miserable to start with, stuck it out to the national anthem and were too suicidal even to stand up. It didn't make me feel much better, working in a medium that made people feel much worse but then again that's not the point. Television isn't there to make you feel better, it's a family and no one has ever accused families of making people happy.
But television isn't a real family, for which we should be grateful. I don't want to glorify the Real Irish Family, but much has to be said for its resilience. We watch pseudo British shows and do not turn into a pseudo British nuclear unit. Our teenagers watch Wacky This is For Young People Shows and remain absolutely Unwacky. Our mothers watch The Late Late without turning into that dangerous lie The Irish Mammy (Isn't she great, God help her). Actually we don't watch the box at all we just shout at the presenters, appreciate Wesley Burrowes and fight over the remote control. Which is no excuse for them trying to get away with so much some people actually have to watch this stuff on their own.
On your own, the television is a sort of mood box. If you're feeling vaguely irritated, then switch on Live At Three, if you are feeling witty and sociable, Have I Got News For You, if you're feeling really murderous, what about The Lyrics Board that will cheer you up. But television moods are also fake, hence the feeling, when you finally switch off, that there is an emotion in the room somewhere, but you just can't find it. Without a telly, you have to have your moods all by yourself, which isn't as tough as it sounds (singing the national anthem all alone at six o'clock going "bong, bong, bong").
I have the radio now, for the old "bong, bong, bong" and a little later, the news. The news on the radio sounds like it matters it sounds like events with repercussions and limits. It doesn't overwhelm you with pictures that make you pity, resent and then dislike the people who are bleeding and dying daily all over your living room. Nor does it make you feel that it is all useless anyway, that the world is a disconnected series of shocks, with no cause and no cure. Ra is the medium of compassion, and besides, you can cook at the same time.
Oh, alright. I used to be an addict. I used to love it all, from the documentaries to the schlock. I was so bad, I got to the stage where I liked things because they were awful. I saw Superman recently, that stupid but unmissable show, and was sad to find, after years of abstinence, that it was just stupid but stupid. Then I saw The X-Files and cheered up again. Better off out of that.
People say telly is a waste of time, but I'm not sure what I do with all these worthy extra hours. Do I read more, listen to music, have quality time, go out and have a laugh? Possibly.
Mostly, though, I'm just more relaxed about doing nothing. There is something very agitating about television. What's on? Is there anything good on?
Not just on the box, but in my life? What about the next half hour? Is there something good on somewhere else, In My Life and I'm just missing it?
What I like now, is walking O'Connell Street without cutting the world up into shots. This is probably because I used to cut the world up into shots for a living but there is more. Time is different now. Stories are different. I look at the beautiful and the plain, without casting them into the movie of their lives. Every poor young fella isn't a junkie, and if he is a junkie, it doesn't mean that society, and therefore my life, is beyond control. Above all, I don't feel that 10 minutes walking down O'Connell Street is a long time when I could be in a bus, a helicopter, tracking shot, ad break. These days I walk down O'Connell Street in my own mood, and that mood, I am surprised to find, is happy enough.