Heated Ring gets all steamed up as Sargent spouts on about sprouts

Dáil Sketch: It is two years now since junior minister Ivor Callely - now a senator - stole the spotlight from a Brian Cowen budget by getting into trouble over a free paint job on his house.

Another junior Minister has done it again this year, although this time around, we should not expect any calls for Trevor Sargent's resignation. Requests for second helpings might be more in order, but only from those who have a weakness for brussels sprouts.

For a second successive day in the Dáil, the Food Minister's decision to issue a press release advising people on the best way to cook their sprouts is exciting almost as much interest as Biffo's Budget.

On Wednesday, during her reply to the Budget statement, Labour's Joan Burton dubbed cabbage fancier Trevor the "Gordon Ramsay of Government", although we must stress we have never heard a swear word pass the man's lips.

Yesterday, Fine Gael's Michael Ring was equally dismissive of Mr Sargent's handy cookery tips, and he told the Taoiseach in no uncertain terms.

Given that his Ministers are paid a hefty salary by the taxpayer, he noted that the best statement Trevor could rise to on Budget day "was to tell the women of the country how to cook their brussels sprouts for Christmas." The Ceann Comhairle, who likes his grub, didn't see much wrong with that. "Well, I would have thought that timely," remarked The Bull, already dreaming of turkey and ham.

But Deputy Ring was not to be swayed. Clearly, unlike Mr Sargent and John O'Donoghue, he is not a devotee of the sprout.

What's the story with all the money being paid to Ministers, and not a bit of legislation is getting passed, and there's Trevor wittering on about vegetables and not a child in the house washed? Michael was appalled. Appalled. He began to roar.

"I don't care how he cooks his brussels sprouts!" Thankfully, the Minister for Food wasn't in the chamber to hear this, as he would have been very hurt. Probably in his office reading the latest edition of Good Housekeeping, which contains some very good recipes for the festive table.

"And the women of the country don't care how he cooks his brussels sprouts!" continued Michael. And judging by the bemused expression on the Taoiseach's face, he doesn't care much either.

Poor Bertie is having a bad time of it these days - blamed for everything now. But even he, mired in the depths of his persecution complex, must never have imagined he would end up in the Dáil on a Thursday morning getting berated over a ministerial recipe for cooking the Christmas vegetables.

He let Michael Ring blow himself out (mercifully, he hadn't been on the sprouts). As the mouth of Mayo fulminated, Bertie smiled dolefully but ventured no comment on his junior Minister's culinary adventures.

"And, and . . . it's not good enough!" concluded Michael, clattering back into his seat, exhausted but happy. Amidst the noisy whoops of Opposition support, somebody reminded Deputy Ring that the Blueshirts run an equal opportunities party.

So he hastily reconsidered his comments about the women of Ireland and their undoubted usefulness when it comes to doing the dinner.

"Eh, and the men too!" he added in clarification.

Trevor, to be fair to him, had merely been encouraging consumers to buy locally-grown produce in season, because it tastes better and is good for you.

He put pen to paper after visiting the farm of Enda Weldon in north Co Dublin, where he had been "inspecting the brussels sprout crop for Christmas."

It obviously made a terrific impression on him. Up and down the drills in a field in Balheary, inspecting a guard of honour of brassicas. Beat that, Willie O'Dea.

Full of missionary zeal, the former leader of the Greens included a brief horticultural history of the sprout in his press release, along with a rundown on its nutritional value. Calcium, vitamin C and protein, he says, but only as long as they aren't overcooked.

At this point, the Minister pulls on his pinny and comes over all Delia Smith.

"The best way I find to cook brussels sprouts is to first prepare them in the usual way," begins Trevor, wiping his floury hands on his apron.

"Place them in a large saucepan, in a single layer if possible, and pour in a little boiling water, barely enough to cover the stalks.

"Sprinkle some salt over them, add a knob of butter or margarine. Cover the pan and boil them briskly until the water is absorbed. Keep an eye to avoid them burning at the last stage. Delicious locally-grown seasonal food"

Then open a few windows.

Just in case. And blame the dog.

Next week: Trevor shows us how to stuff and truss a big aul turkey. (But only if he can find a Minister to co-operate.)