The Bigger Picture Shalini SinhaSelf-esteem is not something you just have. It must be built. Although most of us hoped this job would be done when we were children, there is nothing in the way of developing it now.
There is no doubt that the seeds sown when we are very small have roots running deeper than any other. However, the control of our self-esteem lay with the adults around us who had us in their charge.
We really stood by while they built it, eroded it or destroyed it. We had no say in the matter. As adults, however, we can decide to build our own self-esteem, and it matters little what others are doing around us.
Self-esteem is about a perception of yourself, but not just any perception. "Esteem", by definition, is a "high regard".
You can hold out a perception of yourself as incompetent, unreliable, inconsistent, inadequate, unintelligent, unloved and unsure; but no one would call it "self-esteem". Rather, it is a cruel way to treat one's self that leads to a deterioration of mental and physical health, decision-making abilities, the quality of one's thinking and, ultimately, your personal attractiveness.
Interestingly, negative thinking is stressful. It is actually physically and emotionally difficult to keep putting ourselves down. Our muscles become tense, circulation strains, destructive stress rises and access to our thinking diminishes.
It is not a natural state of being, not only undermining our knowledge of our self but also eroding our ability to act in ways that ensure our survival. This point makes us realise that treating ourselves this way must not only stop, but also is unlikely to be the best way to live.
The matter of survival is an interesting one. It is, in fact, our strongest instinct. But, if this were true, why would we so consistently engage in behaviours that actively cause our own destruction? Indeed, we now have a society that encourages destructive behaviours en masse, going as far as to imply they represent models of "higher functioning".
Alcohol is an excellent example. It is reserved for adults, and while this is because somewhere we recognise how harmful it is, we have twisted our thinking to imply you are 'better' when you drink - it shows you are independent, sociable and capable of responsibility. Still, I notice that those with greater self-esteem, in general, choose to fill their lives with fewer drugs.
We are not born with poor self-esteem . . . strike that . . . we are not conceived with poor self-esteem. As a child developing in the womb, it never occurs to us that we might not be good enough. We simply grow to be ourselves, longing to live life and be in relationships with other people.
In that life, and including sometimes our own birth, we meet interactions and circumstances that confuse or hurt us, eventually so consistently that they cause us to internalise the hurt.
Thus, poor self-esteem occurs over time when we are isolated and lack the resources to fight for ourselves, or the support of others to fight for us.
This is why parenting is so important. It is the role of parents to fight for their children and reflect back to them their inherent value. This instils confidence, and is far more important than being critical.
We can get stuck in a place of internalised hurt and confusion. In this way, a negative outlook can become a habit. And so, we can break it, but we must decide to think differently.
It is not true that you are not good enough - that there are fabulous people in the world, and you just aren't one of them. There is no danger in encouraging, praising or being proud of yourself.
In fact, it is a life-saving activity. And don't worry: you will not become arrogant, selfish or unaware. The act of nurturing is not the same as disconnecting from others or reality. It is simply to put your attention on the fact of your humanity and the real goodness that runs through it.
In life, there is at least one truth: the facts of your past will not change whether you tell yourself you are the worst person in the world and have made all the wrong choices, or you recognise the characteristics in yourself that you value and that have played a part in leading you onto this path.
Another truth is that how you see yourself and your past will absolutely determine your future. A commitment to self-destruction will create self-destruction. A commitment to fighting for yourself will bring creativity and greater contentment.
Building self-esteem means making a decision: to stop putting yourself down and start seeing what is wonderful, and so also attractive, within us. This might mean taking on the new, more positive, perspectives of those around us who are not committed to our habit of self-destruction.
The exercise requires applying loving enthusiasm with determination, humility and real effort. Luckily, it is much more fun to be pleased with ourselves than to see ourselves as the worst in the world. Certainly, our life depends on it.
ssinha@irish-times.ie
Shalini Sinha practises life coaching and the Bowen Technique in her clinic, Forward Movement