Angelina Jolie's lips are said to have kissed the air at Chiva-Som, in Thailand, one of the world's top health resorts. It's famous for its spa, cuisine and team of discreet plastic surgeons. PATSEY MURPHYsigned in
AS THE GREAT jazzman Eubie Blake once said: “If I knew I was going to live this long, I would have taken better care of myself.” His words sprang to mind as I woke up one morning overlooking the Gulf of Thailand, drank a prescribed cup of hot water laced with lime juice and headed off to meditate at 7am amid rows of long-limbed, Lycra-clad sylphs. What a wake-up call.
It was the illustrious Brennan brothers, the fast-talking hoteliers from Kenmare, who propelled me on this journey to one of the best spas in the world – to Chiva-Som, on the royal beach at Hua Hin, three hours south of Bangkok. It’s a model for all serious spa-keepers, and not a terrycloth robe in sight. It was an outrageously luxurious and invigorating adventure, my first experience of Asia, and a complete indulgence. Very Zen. Happiness all around. Eat. Pray. Love. Me Me Me.
Admittedly, Thailand is a long way to go for a massage, but lotus blossoms are hard to come by in these parts, not to mention tropical breezes or a rigorous Asian regime.
We flew to Bangkok on Etihad Airways, with a brief and tantalising stopover at Abu Dhabi airport, desert sand billowing around the edges of the runway. To be amid veiled Arabs, first, and bowing Asians, second, within the space of hours was completely mind-blowing for this parvenu.
We were met at Suvarnabhumi Airport by a driver who whisked us off for the three-hour drive. You can also fly on a regular shuttle to Hua Hin, but you see rather more by road, even in the darkness, as monumental advertising hoardings and gaudy royal shrines give way to roadside markets piled high with oversized melons and ornamental Buddhas. The sky was silhouetted with palm, banana and pineapple trees and, oh my God, is that an elephant? It’s good to see a bit of the real world before you enter the retreat that is Chiva-Som.
It was about 9pm when we entered the secluded gates to be greeted by two attendants dressed in silk. There was, of course, a lot of that bowing going on, which, once you get used to it, is enormously gracious – custom, not subservience. They presented us with delicate floral necklaces threaded with jasmine and the tiniest of roses. You'll want to say thank you and say it rather a lot. Kop koon kah. Kop koon kaaaaaah.
We were then given fragrant lemon-grass tea and, curiously, a confidentiality agreement to sign. No photography, please, such is the privacy promised at Chiva-Som, a resort favoured by celebrities and Fortune’s 500, or what’s left of them. It is said that Angelina Jolie’s lips have puckered here. Elle Macpherson, Julia Roberts, Lawrence Dallaglio and Liz Hurley are fans. We didn’t see any of them – and, er, we wouldn’t tell you if we did, now, would we? Nor did we see any of the Irish property developers known to haunt the place among a loyal core of Irish devotees. So put those cameras away, please, and your mobile phones while you’re at it, and concentrate on mind, body and spirit.
The staff-to-guest ratio is something like 5.5:1, which goes a long way towards explaining Chiva-Som’s reputation for service – and the prices. There are 17 private pavilions tucked away in lush gardens around the inner lake and 58 rooms in the hotel, overlooking the sea. After checking in we were spirited across an oriental wooden bridge, past the private villas and around to the inner resort. It was early by any night owl’s standards, but the place was completely still apart from tropical night whirrings and the calls of full-throated bullfrogs.
A three-tiered basket of dim sum awaited us in our room, which was handsomely furnished and scented with lemon-grass oil. The advantage of arriving in darkness is, of course, waking in paradise. Day one began with a Wow! as we opened wide the teak shutters and stepped on to a balcony to discover the Gulf of Siam sparkling beyond a pool with splashes of lotus flowers.
A stay at Chiva-Som begins with a personal assessment with a counsellor to determine what sort of programme will best suit your goals, whether you are there to relax and/or sign up for some kind of detox, physiotherapy, weight-management or fitness regime. There are classes on the hour, starting at 7am, between which you can elect to have treatments, consultations and therapies, so sorting out your schedule is initially quite a feat. It’s like a summer camp with Buddhist overtones. “Live life fully with joy and compassion.” Okay, where do I sign up?
Early-morning classes tend to be devoted to gentler arts of meditation, stretching, yoga and Pilates in outdoor shalas but soon morph into more rigorous options, such as kick boxing or workouts in the dance studio, gym or pool. (Don’t sneer at aquarobics as something for old women, by the way: it’s hard!)
Dotted around the schedule are the more esoteric offerings, such as EFT, which teaches you how to deal with emotional and physical issues – aches and pains and certain addictions and cravings. This involves a lot of finger tapping: tapping of the forehead and the temples and chest. There are quite a number of people going around the place tap-tap-tapping those cravings away.
The facilities are picture-book perfect, starting with the beach, where you can kayak in the sea, cycle in the sand (hard!) or do any number of athletic or yoga classes. There are stunning indoor and outdoor pools, pools for flotation therapy and Watsu, ice pools strewn with rose petals. There are steam baths and mud baths and saunas and thermal suites. With 85 therapists on hand there is every kind of massage imaginable, plus naturopaths, nutritionists and sports therapists to advise and monitor you.
The food – minus sugar, dairy, salt or fat – is stunning art-on-a-plate, although it is funny at dinnertime when a waiter might dramatically whoosh a silver cloche from your plate to reveal three beans, two asparagus spears and a round of pumpkin. The cookery classes alone were worth the trip. Armed with a stone pestle and mortar, you begin by learning how to make Thai green curry paste and chilli jam, before moving on to a few visually pleasing and healthy dishes.
There’s a lot of juicing going on and a lot of mocktails. Wine is available after 6pm, but a tall glass of something green is rather more in keeping with the spirit. There’s a bit of a knees-up every Saturday night, sort of a Bunratty Castle thing, with traditional dancers. You can wander off to the night markets in Hua Hin or remain inside the cocoon.
And so our stay became a blur of exercise and floating. Every package includes at least one massage and treatment every day, and I submitted to Thai massage and having various unguents and oils applied to my person.
I was also offered a complimentary skin consultation, which I mistook to mean some kind of makeover. And thus I accidentally discovered, on my final afternoon, the white building at the edge of the six-hectare property, the Niranlanda Medi Spa, where “US trained cosmetic doctors are dedicated to delivering beauty enhancing treatments”. I giddily said I’d come to the wrong place, but they welcomed me in for a look at computerised facial imaging. On one screen, my face shown as is; on a second screen, my face as it might appear with a few teeny-weeny uninvasive laser tweaks. Yikes! And all for only €1,650. Tempting, but I had a plane to catch and a bank account to balance. It made me very curious about the residents in the private pavilions, though. Were they all bandaged and black and blue? Perfect privacy, perfect discretion.
Would I go back? Forty-five per cent of guests do. It’s transformative and it’s a wow. I’d like to tell you that this spell of luxury changed me forever. That I rise with the sun, drink hot water and lime, meditate, do some yoga and walk to work. That I follow the advice of my yogi: “Get things done in an orderly and efficient way. Self-discipline means getting yourself to do what is important to do rather than be a leaf in the wind of your thoughts and feelings.”
Alas, I’ll have to go back for a longer stay. The minute I win the lottery.
- chivasom.com
Go there
Etihad Airways (etihad airways.com) flies to Bangkok from Dublin via Abu Dhabi. SGA Airlines (sga.co.th) flies on to
Hua Hin. Or book a driver through Chiva-Som.
Planning a stay
Chiva-Som has 10 packages this year, tailored to different needs. They start at three nights, at
$565 (€400) per night for a room with a sea view and the basic Chiva-Som Experience. This includes initial consultation, three meals a day, one treatment and massage per day and unlimited activities from a choice of eight per day. Longer stays recommended; 10 nights is ideal.
At least two weeks before you arrive, start detoxing so you hit the ground running. Bring clothing and shoes for yoga and gym, plus shades and a sunhat. Smart casual dress for dinner.
Afterwards, buy the cookbook and exercise DVDs to keep you going – and some lemon-grass oil to evoke good memories.
3 key phrases
- Sa wah dee kap(Sa wah de kah for women): Hello/toodleloo.
- Kop koon kap(Kop koon kap kah): Thanks, gorgeous.
- Ma ha sah jan!:How fabulously amazing!
