ASK THE EXPERT:Tackling toilet training can be trying for even the most disciplined parent - the key is endless patience and enthusiasm, says David Coleman
I HAVE been trying to toilet train my two-year -old son for the last few months with no success. Sometimes he'll use the potty for wees but won't go near it for his poo. We've tried star charts and all that stuff. What else can I do?
The first thing I'd suggest is think about waiting for a while. Often, it is the case that if we try toilet training too soon our children aren't ready and so the process takes a lot longer and everyone (child included) ends up frustrated.
For most children, the developmental shift they get by taking charge of their bladders and bowels is a big deal and some can be anxious about letting go (literally and psychologically) of their babyhood.
The signs of readiness to look out for are your child showing interest in the toileting habits of others, asking you to use the toilet or potty, warning you in advance of their intention to do a wee or poo, having regular bowel movements, and showing an interest in independence generally.
When you get several of these indicators occurring together you are more likely to have quicker success.
If you think your child does show readiness, then the core principles are: reinforce any successful uses of the toilet and ignore any accidents.
You don't necessarily need to use a star chart, simple praise is often enough. What star charts achieve, though, is a very public acknowledgment of your child's progress and achievements.
Wetting and soiling accidents do occur and it is best not to get bothered by them, but to respond in a very matter-of-fact way.
If there has been an accident, it is often a good idea to bring your child to the toilet as soon as you notice and suggest that they "finish off" in the toilet or potty.
Small boys love to copy their dads and so getting a plastic step for them to stand on and use the toilet may be more effective than using a potty. They also love a target to aim for, so you can put a piece of breakfast cereal in the toilet bowl for them to try to "sink" or another option I was told about is to use blue food colouring in the toilet water because apparently it turns green when mixed with wee (very exciting for small boys and girls).
Get your son into a regular habit of sitting for a poo, even if he doesn't need to go. Usually you would encourage him to sit about 10-20 minutes after each meal as this is often a natural time that he might get the "needing to go" sensations anyway.
Stay with him and distract him by reading or singing songs or something and then praise him for the act of sitting even if there was no performance.
The real key to toilet training is endless patience and lots of enthusiasm. So hang in there and let nature take its course.
My two-year-old son just started biting all around him in the last few weeks. No matter what we say or do, he doesn't seem to be getting the message. What can we do to stop this?
The trick with biting is to be really consistent and really firm. Biting seems to be one of those behaviours that many children do, particularly in toddler-hood. So much so, that it almost seems to be a phase for many children.
I often think of biting as an instinctual reaction that children fall into when they get frustrated. Often then, because of our reaction, they can learn that it gets them lots of attention and that can exacerbate the frequency of the biting.
So, be alert to situations where he typically bites so that you can be ready to intervene if needs be. Then, if you see him biting, give a single clear verbal message to him.
That message is simply "no biting", said in a calm but very firm tone. Lift him away from the child or person he has bitten at the same time. This backs up your statement by showing him you will not let him continue to bite.
With him to one side you can comfort the bitten child. You might need to bring your two-year-old to another part of the room or even another room. You can then add the statement, "when you can play without biting you can go back but until then you need to stay with me". This gives him an appropriate consequence that tells him he will lose out on playtime if he keeps biting.
Within a minute or two, you can let him back to the room to play, as long as he seems calm. Be alert again as you may need to do it all over again within minutes. It will only be by repeated firm responses from you that he will learn to not bite.
So be prepared to stick with this kind of a response on a rigidly consistent basis and he will soon get the message and stop biting.
David Coleman is a clinical psychologist and the author of Parenting is Child's Play. He has also presented two series of Families in Trouble. He is currently working on a new series called 21st Century Child.