That's men for you: Padraig O'Morain's guide to men's health.
You know that awful "Nooooooooooh!" that can galvanise you as you emerge from the depths of sleep and hangover to remember snogging the face of that colleague whom you never really liked and never want to see again for the rest of your life?
Here you are, the morning after the Christmas party and little by little the awful flashbacks parade before you. Surely you did not engage in an ENT session with her in front of the entire office?
And what's this? Did your worst enemy really stand there filming the whole thing on his mobile phone?
Oh yes, it's all true. When you return to work, you and your colleague will pass each other by in total silence for months, if you're lucky. The buds will be budding and the lambs gambolling in the fields before you speak again.
If you are not lucky your colleague will have taken your passion for real and will want you to leave your wife, your children, your trade-up detached house and your SUV and move into her one-bedroom apartment to have babies.
If you are really, really unlucky she will ring your wife and ask for a divorce on your behalf.
What is going on here demonstrates the way your brain works - and not just the male brain either.
Last night, when you were in throes of public passion the primitive part of your brain located in your brain stem was in charge.
Your primitive brain likes pleasure and hates pain - but it doesn't really bother to figure out the consequences down the road. When comedian Lenny Bruce said "men are like dogs" he was talking about the primitive brain.
Bruce said that a man being rushed to hospital in an ambulance can still register that the nurse has a nice bottom. That's the primitive brain for you.
So last night your primitive brain and Snogperson's primitive brain were seeking pleasure and didn't care what anybody thought or what the future might hold.
What happened to that other part of your brain whose job it is to keep you safe? Unfortunately, it was pickled in alcohol and didn't know it existed.
We could call this the emotional brain. One of its key jobs is to ensure that if you are in danger you get out of there fast or you fight your corner or you freeze until the danger passes you by.
Had it been functional, it would have told you last night to stay away from Snogperson and if hers had been functional it would have told her to stay away from you.
It would have been instantly aware of the dangers of a frenzied snogging session which, for all you know, is going to end up on youtube.com when your enemy transfers the video from his mobile phone.
That's the part of your brain that is screeching at you this morning.
So now you have to figure out what to do. Beg Snogperson to forget about last night? Confess all to your wife? Say nothing and hope for the best?
When you start thinking like this a third part of your brain has entered the fray. This is the logical part which helps you to figure out solutions and possibilities. This part also was out of its tree last night.
So while your emotional brain is having hysterics, and your brainstem is gagging for a coffee and a fry, the logical part of your brain is trying hard to figure a way out of this mess.
What's the solution? I don't know, ask your logical brain. But maybe you'd better cut out this article in case your wife finds out about Snogperson. If you ask her to read it, perhaps she'll understand. Yeah.
Meanwhile, why not move some personal effects - a hot water bottle, a torch - into the doghouse.
With luck and a lot of contrition - this is the logical part of your brain speaking now, so listen up - you just might be let out for Christmas Day.
Padraig O'Morainis a journalist and counsellor accredited by the Irish Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy.
