Girls are more complex than boys. There is no such thing as a perfect child. Parents are not perfect either. It is alright if your child says "I hate you". Children develop at their own pace. Stop trying so hard. The "experts" can get it wrong with their own kids. You have a life too. There is no pre-assigned date for developmental milestones. Teachers are not always right. Your gut is as reliable as any indicator. You are an expert in your own right. It is okay to hate your child sometimes.

Maybe you have heard these statements before. But maybe you have not. It is important for parents to realise that the plethora of books which are available about how to manage child behaviour are only guidelines. They are not meant to suggest there is only one way for your child to behave.

Indeed, if children grows up in what might be termed a "perfect" manner, they are more likely to encounter difficulties in the adult years. A child who has not tested the limits or who has no capacity to use imagination will have great difficulty coping with an adult world which will present a range of challenges requiring both fortitude and flexibility. So the next time you look wistfully at that perfectly behaved child at the birthday party, spare yourself the guilt. Perfect behaviour does not indicate a perfect child.

It may well be the child who is knee-deep in mud wearing his good clothes who will turn out to be the future president! A child who is termed "strong-willed" is likely to be the one who will be more goal-oriented in the adult years. This insight is unlikely to occur to the parent who is burnt out on children who never do what they are told. At times like these, just keep thinking what well-adjusted adults they will be!

Guilt seems to be a recurring theme for many parents. Children appear to have a knack of heightening this guilt. "Everyone else is allowed . . ." is a familiar lament to parents. Indeed, the marketing moguls have the exploitation of this guilt down to a fine art. Many cartoons are simply glorified commercials for aggressively marketed merchandise. You can collect dolls, pictures, clothes, bedspreads, pencil cases and toilet paper. Of course, you will only buy these items if you really love your child.

The marketing is no different for teenagers. When did musical ability or originality ever count in the pop stakes? Girl groups are required to have dimensions similar to Barbie; the boy equivalents all look like Ken. It does not stop at record sales. Posters, clothes, books, fan club membership and trinkets are simply the start of the marketing machine.

It appears that the creators of these commodities called boy bands and girl bands realise that the household budget is quite flexible.

Perhaps these are the ramblings of one who is well past it and out of touch. But I certainly feel that popular culture 25 years ago was a lot more wholesome. One of the more amusing recent fads is the number of teenagers using mobile telephones. How did they ever survive without them? The standard conversation consists of something like: "Hi, where are you?"

"I'm at the bus stop, where are you?"

"I'm at home, what are you wearing?"

And so it goes. Parents feel their children are safer if they carry them. It strikes me that they are just another means to indulge the overindulged.

You do not have to provide treats for your child all the time. It is perfectly acceptable to refuse from time to time. Try to avoid capitulation to aggressively marketed goods. Encourage you children to learn that their self-esteem does not depend on whether they possess the most recent fad toy in town. In fact, these demands are excellent opportunities to encourage your children to express their own individuality. If there is such a being as a "well adjusted" child, it is one who does not depend on what everyone else has in their possession in order to be satisfied.

Children who can be creative in their own right will open themselves to so many new experiences, both now and in the future. Perhaps a useful compromise between capitulating to social pressures and developing the child's individuality is to set a limit on what will be spent and then to allow your child to choose within that budget.

Think of your own needs. Remember to look after your own health and wellbeing. It is equally important that you attend your aerobic class as it is for your child to attend the ballet class. If parents feel good about themselves, they will be more able to meet the challenges of raising children in the 21st century. They will also realise that their own self-esteem does not depend on their children's attitude to them.

A recent book on parenting called I'm OK, You're a Brat might be overstating the case a little! However, the sentiment seems reasonable. It is high time that a balance be struck between parents rights' and responsibilities.

Parents have rights too. The key is to work at getting the balance right. Children need clear rules with sufficient autonomy built in so they can express themselves within those rules. Likewise, parents need their space and children must learn to respect that.

If you are making a fresh start, stick to simple basic principles. Be yourself with your children, spend some time with them, lose the guilt, establish household rules, take your foot off the accelerator pedal and look after yourself. The rest of the advice is window-dressing.

Dr Mark Harrold is a clinical psychologist.