One of the questions that I'm most frequently asked is: How do you say no without hurting someone's feelings? How I reply will depend on whether I'm talking to boys or girls. This may seem unfair, but a girl is often condemned for behaviour which is applauded in a boy.

For example, a girl who snogs several different boys in an evening will be labelled a `slut' or `slapper'. A boy who does the same thing and `meets' several girls during the night is lauded as `the macho male'. He will probably boast to his friends about his numerous conquests.

Everybody understands that many young people go to discos simply to dance and have fun. Others go with the express intention of `getting their little bit.' Even primary school children have the maturity to recognise that a boy who goes to discos with the intention of `shifting' as many girls as he can is setting out to exploit and abuse women.

Many adolescents feel angry and uncomfortable at being challenged about behaviour that is seen as the norm by children from about 10 years onwards. Boys quite rightly point out that the girls come on to them and make advances too.

Few young people who engage in snogging sessions are making loving choices. They `get off' because they are too embarrassed to refuse. Some girls are scared of getting a reputation as `a frigid' if they are seen to turn a boy down. In order to interest boys they feel they must be good kissers.

It's understandable that a girl who is attracted to a boy wants some sign that she is special to him. Part of her may be dying to kiss him and feel what it would be like to be that intimate. Another part may be worried that her parents would find out that they were `eating the face off each other.'

The desire to be accepted by one's friends is so strong that most young people would rather get into trouble with parents than risk being seen to act differently to their friends. Some feel they have to pretend to have the experiences they think their friends are having.

Adolescents are powerfully influenced by peer pressure. Many feel coerced into intimate kissing because they think that everyone is doing it. They're wrong. Some young people feel they have to lie to avoid kissing. They say thinks like `I've got mouth ulcers' or `Sorry I'm going with someone' when they are not. In some areas young people going to discos chew gum and excuse themselves from snogging by saying `I don't want to waste my gum.'

Girls who allow themselves to be kissed because they are uncomfortable refusing are not making free choices about their sexual behaviour - open mouthed kissing is sexual behaviour. The boy who `meets' a girl because her friends asked him and he is too embarrassed to say `no' is being coerced into sexual intimacy he does not want. Few young people understand the damage they are doing to their own self-esteem by failing to speak up. It never feels good to be manipulated.

It's unfair to blame the boy who goes to the disco for `getting off' with lots of girls. He is probably too immature to understand that he is acting selfishly and using girls for sexual thrills. He may not be aware of the hurt he is causing to the girls who feel used. He is probably trying to build up his self-esteem by trying to prove that he can attract girls.

If you're a young person and someone tries to get you to do something that makes you feel in any way uncomfortable, it's important to speak out. Look them straight in the eye and use a strong tone of voice. The is a simple formula you could use.

Make what is called an `I' statement - explain how you feel about what upset you. For example - `when you stand so close to me I feel uncomfortable. Please give me space' . . . or `when you put your hand under my shirt I feel disappointed, I thought you respected me.' This is a courteous way of communicating. You're simply sharing how you feel and asking for what you want.

`I' statements are very effective in getting the other person to listen and to open up communication. When you're respectful in this way the other person is unlikely to feel hurt. They may even be relieved that you are clear about what you want and what you would prefer not to do.

If you feel you couldn't speak out and discuss how you feel about snogging, it's likely that you're not mature enough to be dating.