Speaking of tongues more worries about early-teen sexuality

Once again, the vexed question of what to do about the sexual behaviour of preteenagers at discos is in the news. On a recent Late Late Show, Ann Leonard of Dublin explained to Gay Byrne in graphic detail exactly what goes on. She was deeply distressed, she said, about the conduct she saw when she supervised a disco at her local school. Before she became involved, she had heard boys and girls were all "at it". She refused to believe what was going on - until she witnessed it herself.

Twelve and 13-year-olds were dancing so intimately that "she tried to put something between them, which was totally impossible". All she could see were tongues that were very, very active. The Late Late audience laughed at her picturesque depiction of the disco scene. Anne was too upset to join in - she continued: "Neither the girls nor boys seem to have any respect. The boys dance with their hands very low on the girl's behind."

At the next school meeting she asked: "How far are the students allowed to go on the floor?" The behaviour of boys who Frenchkiss one girl after the other without even knowing who they are kissing must be challenged. The problem for adults is that, despite agreement that the behaviour is unacceptable, no one seems to be prepared to introduce any sanctions that would show children it will not be condoned. Moreover, the behaviour raises questions about what happens when the children are unsupervised.

Why do young people expect that if you get up for a slow dance you engage in intimate kissing? Who has taught them this is the way they are supposed to behave? Why are parents and teachers not challenging these beliefs and giving them different expectations of boy/girl relationships?

I suspect that most young people are more attuned to the different message kissing can give than adults. Effective RSE will ensure both boys and girls can distinguish between a kiss that is a sign of affection between family and friends who love each other and the kiss of a couple who are in love or who are simply using each other for sexual thrills.

Many parents fall into the trap of remembering their own adolescence and assuming their offspring need only the information they needed. Parents must stop being in denial about adolescent sexuality: failing to give guidance on how to cope with burgeoning sexual feelings and desires in the mistaken belief that this protects adolescents leaves them at the mercy of peer pressure.

Those who prefer to nurture the illusion of virginal innocence until young people reach the age of 15 or 16 are out of touch with the reality of teenagers' lives. They fail to acknowledge the very powerful peer pressure that encourages premature intimacy between girls and boys. Few teenagers are taught the communication skills to refuse unwanted advances in a respectful way.

Adolescents need to discuss openly the double standards which give status to a boy for behaviour that is roundly condemned in a girl. The lad who boasts of intimately kissing three or four different girls during a slow set at a disco is regarded as a macho male; a girl engaging in the same behaviour is in a no-win situation. If she is intimate with lots of boys she is branded as being easy, a slapper or a slut - if she refuses she is labelled frigid or dry.

SOME PARENTS believe the solution to the problem of such early intimacy is simply to stop children going to discos. At best this is an interim answer. It may work in the short term by denying young people the opportunity to snog during a dance. However, it does not change the widely accepted attitude that intimate kissing in the absence of any kind of loving relationship is acceptable.

Unless the underlying wrong attitudes are challenged there will be no change in behaviour. Anne Leonard's description of a disco showed that some young people do not allow bright lights, lack or privacy or adult intervention to interrupt their intimate gropings. Adults running discos must support parents in giving clear, unambiguous messages about unacceptable behaviour. If couples misbehave, appropriate sanctions - stopping the slow dances, for example - can be invoked. The major obstacle to introducing this change is convincing parents and teachers to play a role in encouraging young people to change their behaviour.

Carmel Wynne teaches Relationship and Sexuality Education.